I feel restless. I hate feeling caged. I just feel so stuck. So much is caught up on these stupid divorce papers. I'm so sick of looking at them. I'm so sick of worrying about them and having them hanging over my head like a storm cloud. I'm so sick of REDOING them! I desperately need money- I want to be able to take better care of myself and my son. I want us to be able to get our own place. I can't get a job until the divorce papers are done because I can't afford daycare costs. I don't even have anyone I could get to watch him during the day. I would need assistance. I won't get that assistance if I'm still legally married. In fact, I can't really apply for ANYTHING assistance-wise if I'm still legally married. I don't want to live off the government or anything... I just want to be able to get my head above water. Once that is done, I'll be good to go.
Another BIG reason for my frustration is that this is definitely not where I saw my life headed. Not saying that it's not good. I just saw myself going down an entirely different path. And that course was changed. It threw me through a loop, but I believe with all my heart that God had a reason for allowing that to happen. Who knows why I was brought down this path? Who knows where it'll lead me? I don't know yet, But, I can't wait to find out! Maybe it's to help people by using all of the things I've learned? Maybe I'll write a book? I have no idea, at this present moment. But, I do know that everything happens for a reason. And I believe that everything bad that happens to us in our lives, God will use for something good. I believe that with every fiber of my being. I don't know why it's so hard for me to remember on days like this.
I look at my son, and I hate that I can't give him the world. I hate that this child hasn't been able to enjoy having his own room and his own space in 2 years. I hate that I can't set out all of his toys. I want to do so much for him. I want to take him places. I want to fill his whole life with happy memories and erase all of the sad ones. I hope I'm able to do all of that and more for him one day. And I hope that "one day" isn't too far off.
It's so funny how situations and events (both good and bad) can change the way you think of certain things. Songs, movies, smells, even something as simple as a word. I'm minding my own business... Listening to one of my Pandora stations while trying to write this entry and eat dinner simultaneously. "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers just came on. The line is so insignificant. "Choking on your alibis". But it was enough to make me want to throw up everything I've just eaten. All I can think about is a text I saw on my ex's phone. He was writing it while holding my hand at the movies. (We'd gone to see Robinhood... And, for the record, I can't stand to watch that movie now, either.) It said "Hey baby, I'll be there as soon as I can. I got her to buy my alibi. I want you so bad right now". Uggghhh... Why did that have to happen today?? But, it's fine. I'm fine. And I'm gonna be awesome. I'm Superwoman, after all ;) It's his loss. Sometimes, things happen to make an already rough day worse. It's how you let it affect you that matters. Do you let it pull the rug out from under you? No. If you keep getting the rug pulled from underneath you, you throw away the rug! Eventually, all bad memories will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.
Like I said: Today was kind of a "blah" day. I wish I had the superpowers to make every day perfect. But, I don't. Besides, if every day was perfect, it wouldn't be real life. I feel better now that I've gotten a lot of what was bothering me... Even if the thoughts in this entry aren't as organized as I would like. Anyway, we all get hurt. We all fall down. We've got to get up and keep moving. It's how we go on that defines us. It helps if you have a game plan. It's an imperfect world. We don't have control of people or the way things turn out, and we can't control our fate or what paths our lives will take us down. But, at least with a plan, you'll have some direction to head in. Me? I'm going to get these papers finished and turned in to the RIGHT people. I'm going to go to school, get an awesome job. Take care of myself and my son... Get us out on our own, and fill all of our days with as much happiness as humanly possible. Do something BIG. Help people. Inspire and be inspired. One thing I'm NOT going to do is let this break me. One of the secrets to life is turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
That's what I'M going to do. Now, what are YOU going to do??
Stay beautiful!!
I assure you that your son isn't sad. He has you and you are his world. He doesn't remember a time when Mommy and Daddy were together. He knows know different. That may be a blessing in itself. At least that's what I tell myself with Landon. Plus, his first true memory won't even be for another year from now so you are good to go! You can make every day an adventure without spending a dime. Watch a movie on a portable DVD player inside a make shift fort from couch cushions or chairs, have a picnic on the living room floor or try to have one meal outside during the day, take a walk and pretend to be explorers and have him gather his findings into a plastic bag, have him take a camera and take pictures all day long and then have him re-tell his day through those pictures, make bath tub paint and color away (it's not just for bath time. It's also good for when you need a quick break!), ride bikes together and have him lead the way- you never know where you'll end up! There are all kinds of things to do with him for free that he'll love and will create happy childhood memories.
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