Saturday, July 6, 2013

Missing My Side-Kick

It's 37 hours into my Side-Kick's month-long (yes, MONTH-long) trip to Texas to visit his dad. I'm already starting to get antsy, and his trip has barely begun! To tell you the honest truth, I have no freaking clue how I'm going to get through this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the "He'll be back before you know it!" line. Yeah, well, for the sake of the world, I hope they're right.

I just don't know how to go about the whole "not losing my mind" process. I mean, I know the key is to get out and about to take my mind off of things. I promised myself (ok, well, they were really more like "threats" than "promises") that I wouldn't sit around the house and sulk over his absence all day. I know that will only make things worse. I also need to keep in mind that this trip is not the fault of anyone around me, and therefore, I need to keep my freaking mouth shut when I start to feel snippy because I'm uncomfortable with this situation. But, hello, this is me we're talking about. Patience is not a virtue I possess, especially when it concerns waiting to get my Side-Kick home to me safely.

This is the first time he's ever gone away without me. After X and I separated, I still always went along to supervise the visitations. The S-K just turned 5 last week, for crying out loud. So, for 3 years, I was always able to tag along. This time, I just couldn't. I wanted to be nice... I'm ALWAYS going above and beyond for these people (X and his parents). I knew they would like to have some time with just the S-K and themselves. I knew that, like it or not, once this stupid divorce is FINALLY over, the judge will rule for entire summers to be spent away from me. I figured handing him over for a month was getting off easy. Well, easy-ish. Truthfully, 2 weeks would have probably been a lot more appropriate just starting out. But, I know that you have to lose a few battles before you win the war. The battle that would have probably caused is one I would have rathered forfeit.

So, off he went. I'm trying to look at it in a positive light, though: I'm taking this month to try to get things in order for the two of us. I temporarily moved to a near-by town to look for work. So far, the job market out here is looking much better than the job market where I came from. I'm wanting to start saving up as much as possible so that when the S-K gets back, I'll finally be able to tell him that we're going to have our own place! We love our family an are grateful to my parents for taking us in in our time of need. But, it's been long enough. Time to move on and move out!

Staying on the positivity track, I'm also thinking a month with my S-K will prevent them from wanting to take him for even further-extended periods of time. No offense to my Side-Kick, and God knows how much I love him... He's my favorite person on the planet!... But, the kid is a nut. I mean, a raging lunatic! That boy is 90-to-nothin' all day, every day. I know it may sound harsh, me not wanting his father to have him much. But, those who know me and those who have been following this blog for the past year and a half know that "with his father" isn't exactly a good place for him to be. X says he loves him. And I do believe that part of him does. But, the fact of the matter is this: If someone wants you to be in their life, they'll find a way to put you there. I learned that lesson from X, myself. But, he gave the both of us up. He never fought to keep us. He never even honestly tried to keep us. Every aspect of our relationship was clouded by lies, manipulation, and deception. Even, at times, abuse. He doesn't help support the S-K in any way. He hasn't sent money in 2 years, except for maybe twice. I believe he sent $60 one time, and $80 another. $140 in 2 years won't get a child very far at all. His money goes to cigarettes and alcohol, and countless nights in bars, strip-clubs, and pool-halls. And girlfriends. Oh, the girlfriends. If I could get us all together, we would probably be able to circle the Earth. I'd suspected cheating several times during our relationship, which was eventually confirmed... On several accounts. And, to this day, they are on a heavy rotation in and out of his life. He has one little boy born during our marriage that he hasn't seen in over a year. He hasn't helped support that child, either. Ironically, the little boy's mom and I have become good friends / extended family through all of this!

I know I've mentioned a lot of this stuff before in earlier entries. But, I also know that sometimes readers need reminders. And it keeps the new readers up-to-speed. And, ok, fineeee: Also because sometimes I forget what all I've mentioned before, and what all I haven't!

Now, I'm not getting into all of that crap to cry in your beer, or to act like some crazy woman-scorned. This is my place to vent my thoughts and feelings, and if people choose to read it, GREAT! If my words, and my trials and errors can help one person: WONDERFUL!

I said all of that to say this: X rarely calls my Side-Kick. He's proven to be Kryptonite time and time again. The ONLY reason this visit happened is because his mother wanted it, and funded it. Otherwise, I truly believe that X would have been perfectly content seeing him, or not seeing him. I'm just very afraid of what S-K will witness during his visit. A lover's spat between his dad and the current flavor-of-the-week? Catch them in bed together? Will they tell him mean things about me? Will he bully him? I just have to hope and pray that everything will go off without a hitch, and that they will all be good to him out there. I encourage him to have an awesome time, and to come back and tell me about all of his adventures. I'm new to this. I've never had to send the most important person in my life away before. I've only spent maybe 4 or 5 nights away from my Side-Kick in his 5 years of life... And those nights weren't even consecutive. I just miss him, and I worry about him... As any mother would. In a perfect world, X would clean his act up and I wouldn't have to worry about any of that other stuff. One can hope.

In a conversation we had earlier this afternoon, my Side-Kick said:
"Mama, who's going to take care of you while I'm gone? Who's going to give you kisses and make you feel better if you have a bad dream? I wish you were here... You shouldn't be alone."
Sweet, huh?! I gotta be doing something right!

Anyone out there who's going through anything similar, Dory said it best: Just keep swimming! I know it's hard, especially if you're a bigmouth like me. Stop worrying about the things that you can't change. It won't get you anywhere. It's not good for you, or for anyone around you. Just relax and let it go. Just be strong and do what you need to do. But, take it from me, NEVER be ruled by your emotions. Never allow fear or uncertainty to control you.  All you can do is stay calm, be the best person and the best parent you can be. If you're unlucky enough to have a total jerk as the other parent, just know that kids are smart and intuitive. They KNOW when love is real. And then there's Karma. There's ALWAYS Karma... ;)

Monday, March 11, 2013

Though She Be But Little, She is Fierce

I've still been in a weird funk lately. I think it's because things aren't going exactly the way I want them to, and I feel trapped in the monotony. It drives me nuts. What can I say, I'm obsessively opposed to the typical. I needed a CHANGE! This past weekend, my sister-in-law helped me lighten my hair to a much lighter shade of blonde and dyed the underside of my hair burgundy. The same day, I went out and got yet another tattoo. It's one that I've been wanting for a little while. It's from William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, and it says "Though she be but little, she is fierce". I love it so much! It's empowering, and I feel like it sums me up, as well as everything I hope to accomplish in my life. As much as I love it, along with my other tattoos and unique attributes, they can cause me some headaches from other people.

The more time I've spent around certain people lately. the more I feel like I'm seen in a different light because of my... um... body modifications. Especially now that I have tattoos that are in places you can't miss... and also now, my hair. A lot of the people who seem to be judging me are, obviously, the total opposite of me. They're straight-laced clones who look the same, dress the same, act the same, drive the same cars, have the same kids, the same husbands, and lead a very vanilla life. (No freaking thank you. Not me, I need some rainbow sprinkles to go with that vanilla!) Most of them don't see anything or anyone unless they're looking down their noses at them. I've even stopped going to certain functions to avoid feeling like I'm the bug under the magnifying glass of certain family members who I feel just want to set me on fire!

There's nothing wrong with having a safer, simpler lifestyle... It just ain't for me. What bothers me is when people have to be snobish about it. So, what? Your clean-cut, sparkling lifestyle means you're somehow better than I am? Sounds pretty boring, if you ask me. If  "ordinary" what you're into, that's wonderful. But, you can keep your white picket fences. I've never wanted to be ordinary, because I know I'm anything but. I want to live in color. I don't want to tiptoe through life, only to arrive safely at death. (I wish I could remember who came up with that quote, because it rocks!) I want to experience everything and I want to have fun doing it. If you can't understand that, well then darling, that's YOUR problem. Not mine. Just because I do things differently does NOT mean I'm wrong. Stop judging me and look within yourself. Seems like your comments and stares are really only a reflection of your inner insecurities.

They say I don't dress right, my shirts are too tight. My lips are too pink, I'm covered in ink. I wasn't even trying to make that rhyme... And, yet, here we are. ::snort:: I'm not a neat-freak, so they call me out for being a little messy. I don't parent my child the way they parent theirs... You know, the *right* way. I don't have money, or an outstanding job. I could go an and on about everything I'm doing that just isn't up to par with someone else's idea of who I should be. It used to bother me. I used to try to change. Those changes I was trying to make? Yeah, they just didn't stick. And why is that? BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHO I WAS CREATED TO BE! I learned to stop caring so much about what others think and to do my thing. I also try to stay away from people who I feel like I have to try to impress. It's not always easy, and sometimes I struggle. But, I'm ultimately starting to love the person I am and am becoming. I'm more honest with myself and with others about everything- especially who I am and am not, and what I do and don't want. I know exactly what I'm looking for in life now, and I'm fighting for it. I love being feisty... It's fabulous!

I think all of us, regardless of  lifestyle, should learn to be active in our own lives, not just sitting on the sidelines. So many people don't even participate in their own lives. Where is the fun in that?! You were born to be the STAR, not a supporting role! Don't be afraid to let loose once in a while. But, don't hate what you don't understand. And, like your mama always told you: Don't judge a book by it's cover. My hair, my tattoos, and even sometimes my wardrobe might not be something you "get". I don't care. Maybe my parenting and every single other aspect of my life isn't something you "get", either. Once again, I don't care. It's not your job to like me, it's mine.

Besides, people like me are way more fun to look at naked. ;)

And, let's face it: If people were rain, YOU'D be a drizzle, and I'D be a hurricane <3




Monday, January 21, 2013

Hospital Visits & Heroes

The past couple of weeks have been quite a roller coaster. I have a headache just thinking about it. My little Side-Kick started complaining of a tummy ache about 2 weeks ago. At first, I thought he was constipated or something and tried every remedy known to mankind to help him out. It was all a no-go. What started out as a little fussing and complaining quickly escalated into him screaming and thrashing and crying out in pain, with breaks of being completely lethargic in between. And then came the vomiting. Projectile. My favorite.

My little hero / Side-Kick, smiling in spite of the pain!
      I knew something wasn't right, so my dad and I took him to the nearest hospital. I really didn't think it was going to be a big deal. I just figured they would tell me he was constipated and had a bug or something. I assumed they would help me get his nausea and vomiting under control, maybe give him a laxative... Something along those lines. You would think that I would stop assuming things when it came to medical stuff. Like, maybe I would have learned my lesson a few months ago when I was in extreme pain and held off going to the hospital as long as possible, convinced I had bad heartburn. Which, as some of you know, turned into me having to have emergency gallbladder surgery. I, of course,
Poor guy was so worn out
ended up being wrong again. They told me that, on top of being seriously dehydrated (which I expected to hear, as he refused to eat or drink anything for 10+ hours), my Side-Kick had some weird intestinal and bladder issues going on that they didn't know how to explain. They said that they weren't really equipped to help children out in those areas, so they needed to get fluids in him and transport us by ambulance to a local children's hospital. Needless to say, he wasn't thrilled in the least to get an IV. Watching him have to go through that was hard. It took them 3 tries to get the IV in and his reward was looking like a heroin addict with his horribly bruised up arms. But, hey, he also got unlimited apple juice and Angry Birds stickers. So, to him, it wasn't a total loss.

                                                                                He's absolutely obsessed with cars and trucks. Once the pain medicine kicked in, he was back to being his usual talkative self. Although, you could tell he didn't feel good. He was very excited to be in the ambulance and talked the paramedic's ear off the whole way to the children's hospital... Which was hilarious because you could tell the guy had, like, ZERO experience with kids. Eventually, we spoke with the doctor who told us that my Side-Kick had some kind of reflux in his urethra, causing old pee to come back up into his bladder after he was finished going to the bathroom, creating more problems. I can't remember the medical term for this, as I seem to have misplaced the hospital paperwork. Not that it matters anymore. But, I'll get into that  in
a second. My ex and I were told before he was ever born that he was most likely going to have that problem and would eventually need surgery. When he was a couple of days old, we took him to see a specialist who claimed to not see what the other doctors had been talking about. Fast-Forward from 4 years ago to 2 1/2 weeks ago and me sitting there in the children's hospital wondering what that quack specialist had missed. We were referred to another specialist at the children's clinic across the street and were to go in the next day for testing. We were FINALLY released from the hospital and able to go home, after being up for over 30 hours.

      Once we got to the clinic, the specialist said that he actually agreed with the original specialist from 4 years ago. He explained that, upon reviewing the scans and results from both of the hospitals the day before, it didn't look like a reflux to him, and instead looked like a blockage in his left ureter. He asked if I had been shown the CT scan pics. When I said I hadn't, he told me I needed to follow him. He showed me the scans, and my poor S-K's left kidney was about 5 times its normal size. The ureter, which is normally thinner than a pencil, is almost as thick as his arm. He showed me that there was some sort of blockage at the bottom of his ureter right before it empties into the bladder. I'm guessing it's probably a kidney stone. The kidney is so huge that it's pressing on his intestines. Either form of going to the bathroom is no easy task for him these days. We have to go in for more testing next week at both the children's hospital and clinic. I should know a lot more then. But, my Side-Kick is for sure going to have to have surgery. They have to remove that blockage. Once the swelling in the ureter goes down, it's going to be misshapen and longer than it should be. So, it will have to be cut and reattached.
He's such a tough guy!
     Through all of this, S-K had handled everything amazingly well! I've always been open and honest with him on a level that I feel he can comprehend. He knows he's going to have surgery. He's not worried in the least. All he can focus on, of course, is the fact that his grandmas are going to spoil him rotten with toys and goodies during that hospital stay. ;) He's such a trooper! I'm not anticipating any problems or difficulties. But, we will GLADLY accept any prayers you want to send his way!

    During all of this stuff, his father decided he wanted to come out here from Texas to visit him and check up on him. And, guess what? He was bringing his current flavor-of-the-week. "No negotiations". As if the S-K and I hadn't been through enough...
But, I'll save that for the next entry...

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Bring it on, 2013!

So, we've made it through the first week of 2013. I must say, I feel pretty good about this year! I don't recall ever feeling this optimistic at the beginning of a new year before... It's nice! I'm just really glad to be out of 2012. 2012 can kiss my glorious butt. I won't miss it, and if it had a face, I'd punch it. Ok, honestly, it wasn't a horrible year... I've definitely had worse. It wasn't this Cinderella's wicked step-mother. It was more like my ugly step-sister. I really don't give a flying crap if  2013 brings me Prince Charming. Just give me the dang glass slippers and the dress. And maybe a carriage. 'Cause, come on, those are pretty sweet.

I just feel refreshed now. More hopeful. I can't explain it... And I know this sounds cliche, but I really believe this is 'my year'. I've been in a little funk lately, which is mostly to blame for my absence from the blog. Although, I've been keeping my Facebook page alive. I just haven't really felt like I had much to say. I've just been so frustrated... Mostly about the same old things. I'm really ready for my side-kick and me to be out on our own. I'm ready for us to be living our life the way I feel we should be living it. I'm ready for time to ourselves and adventures just the two of us can share. Here's another one of my "If I'm Being Honest" moments: I want to prove that there's more to me than meets the eye... And, for some reason, I'm directing that toward my ex and his family. I know that I have nothing to prove. Not to them, anyway. But, I feel like I'm being looked down upon when I'm not the royal screw-up in the situation (and because I'm not the person his mom seems to think that I should be). Now, please don't get me wrong: I wasn't innocent, either. But, nothing I did was a deal-breaker. Nothing I did was heartless or cruel. Just stupid little mistakes of a young girl who didn't know much about marriage. Or life. I didn't realize just how much I had to learn. And, in the 3 years that I've been back home, I'd say I've learned a great deal. As much as I've learned though, I'm still not where I want to be- Where I feel  that I need to be.

I see myself and the Side-Kick in our own little apartment decorated with my artwork and creations and all of the cute little things he's made in school. With the aroma of some of the recipes I've pulled off of Pinterest wafting through the air. Our own personal touches everywhere. I don't need much to be happy. And if you were to ask me for my definition of "Happiness", that would be it. I've also finally decided what I want to go to school for and have almost all of the money saved up for it! My goal is to get us to a certain nearby town. It's an artsy little beach town, that's also a nice little tourist destination. I've always wanted to live there, and it would be a great place to sell my artwork and creations. And my Mama is there! I think it would be the perfect place to live, and I'm trying really hard to get us out there.

I may not be where I want to be, but it sure feels great to finally have a game plan. I don't really do the whole New Year's Resolution thing, but my goals are:

*Get into school and get a good job
*Stop worrying about what certain people think.
*Inspire and be inspired.
*Be better than I was at keeping up with this blog
*Try harder to get my artwork and writing "Out There"

Well, here we go! Here's to a fantastic 2013! *Cheers*

Friday, July 27, 2012

Ditching the Douches- Part 2

I wasn't going to start writing this entry until tomorrow because I've been writing for hours. But, hey, call me "Butter" 'cause I'm on a roll.

If you've read "Ditching the Douches- Part 1" (Found: HERE!), then you know that these particular entries deal mainly with getting the bad (douchy) people out of our lives... And even ways to remedy the situations. I'd also like to think the title is pretty self-explanatory ;)

With everything that's gone on with X and also some things that have happened with certain family members/friends (some things not pertaining to the current issues whatsoever), I'm finding just how hard it can be to know who you can really trust. It's very important to have people in your life that you can count on. If you discover that you can't count on someone, you need to decide what to do with them-- and fast! Everyone makes mistakes- None of us are perfect. It's those douches who are repeat offenders and feel no remorse whatsoever for doing the offending that are the big issue.

After the most recent issues with X and his epic doucheness, I started to feel really overwhelmed by ugliness. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was gossip and lying and betrayal. I don't mean that to sound like every aspect of my life was a horrible drama/horror-fest, because it wasn't. It isn't. There are some hard times and some crazy people, but there's a whole lot of "good" in my life, too. I started feeling more depressed when I found out that someone who I thought was a really close friend was not only talking about me behind my back to people she knew there were some issues with, but also making stories and incidents into something they totally weren't. She was caught when she was cornered and didn't have a way to back-pedal her way out. I was so bummed because I really thought she was one person I could count on, no matter what. To find that I was wrong was devastating. It only confirmed how much ugliness and deceit were surrounding all of those that I hold close. I decided right then that it had to stop.  I sat down and had a long talk with my dad and his girlfriend of 17 years. The GF (who I'll refer to as "H") and I have had some issues for a long, long time. Some were pretty bad. We sat down together and talked about how all of this junk was getting out of hand, and that without even meaning to, we had, in a sense, become douches, too. Not to everyone. Just to each other. But, douchebaggery is douchebaggery, nonetheless. We had a long talk and aired out a lot of dirty laundry. We were completely honest about a lot of stuff. It wasn't fun, but it had to be done. A lot of our problems with each other came from us never talking things out when we had an issue. Maybe because we didn't want there to be a huge fight? Maybe we were just afraid? Whatever the reason, we caused more problems by not going directly to each other about it. Instead, we would vent to other people. But, there's a fine line between venting and gossip, and I have no doubt that that line was crossed on several occasions. I don't think we even realized we were doing it at the time. But, this whole situation really just made us sit back and take a good, hard look at everything.

In the movie "Mean Girls", Lindsay Lohan's character says "When you get bit by a snake, you are supposed to suck out the poison. Well, that's what I had to do. I had to suck all of the poison out of my life." That's exactly what we're trying to do. Life is too short to live under a toxic raincloud all the time. A lot of us out there talk about wanting better, happier lives. Part of that is realizing where you are wrong, admitting it, and actually changing it. H and I decided that night that we were going to get as much of the poison out of our lives as we possibly could. We made a promise to ourselves and each other that from that night on, we would forget about all of the ugly stuff in the past. We talked about it, we got it out, and now it's gone. From now on, if there is an issue, we're to go directly to each other. In going to each other when a problem arises, it eliminates the "he said/ she said" nonsense. If we're venting to someone (no matter who we're venting to, or what we're venting about), we're going to be VERY careful of that line between venting and gossip. Believe me, it's much thinner and blurrier than you think. It's VERY easy to go overboard, as I've just mentioned. State why you're upset. State facts. If you're upset, be upset. But DON'T get into name-calling, exaggerating, or lying. DON'T get into airing out other dirty laundry you may have on that person just because you're angry with them. THAT is where the line gets crossed. You're better than that. You don't need to go putting anymore ugliness out into your universe.

There's a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. But, it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. I believe I've reached that point. You can try talking things out, you can pray for them, you can forgive them and love them from afar. You don't have to keep them in your life, if you think they're only going to create more havoc. You can only do what you can do. No matter what you do to fix yourself, you have absolutely NO control over anyone else or their actions. You can't fix a douchebag. You can't make them un-douchey. Don't worry about them. Don't worry about what they're doing. Don't live in fear of them or cower from them. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Be true, be real, be honest. Let people worry about themselves. If they truly want to change, they will when they're ready. If they don't want to change, let them deal with those consequences. What goes around comes around. What people put out into the universe comes back on them. If you do "good", you're going to get "good" back. (Heaven help you if you're putting nothing but "bad" out there.) I'm not saying you won't ever go through hard times, because you will. That's life. None of us are exempt from hardships. It's how you react to them and handle them that defines you. We go through bad things to help us grow as people. I probably couldn't know or write half of the stuff I know and write about without going through the bad stuff I've had to go through first. The secret to life is making stepping stones out of stumbling blocks. Turning our trials into triumphs. Intentionally doing bad things to others only adds to the ugly things being put out into the world. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."- Romans 12:19. Don't focus on the goings-on in someone else's life, waiting on them to get what you think they deserve. In doing so, you lose sight of yourself and what's important to you. If you want more positivity in your life, surround yourself with positive people and lift each other up. Leave no room for negativity. People need to stop trying to pull each other down.

I'm a decent person, but there is always room for improvement. I won't ever be perfect or have life 100% figured out. I just want to use any and all situations in my life to help me grow into the best person that I can be. I hope to inspire others through my trials and errors and my learning from my mistakes and shortcomings... Which will hopefully spare a lot  of you some of the headaches I've received because of my own hardheadedness. Most importantly, I want to instill my knowledge in my son, my lil' side kick. I want to help him grow into the best man he can possibly be. Also most importantly, when I get called to Heaven, I want to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Ditching the Douches- Part 1

So, according to my dashboard, I'm 5 days shy of not having posted an entry for 3 whole months. *Sigh* It's not you, it's me. No, no... I really do mean that. There's been a TON of stuff going on- Some good, some bad, some ugly... and some that nearly sent me into homicidal fits of rage. Also, I'm exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, pass-out-on-the-keyboard exhausted. I think my Sleep Number is officially "QWERTY". Either way, due to all of the above, this entry is going to be a cluster-eff of randomosity. Embrace it. Fear it. It'll mostly be about getting rid of the sucky people in our lives- hence the title "Ditching the Douches". So, come with me as we take this life-altering journey together...

...or maybe "Climb on board for a white-knucked ride to Loopy Land" would be more accurate.

I owe the credit for the main topic of this entry to Johnny Heward, who as a lot of you know, was being hit on by a married woman who's husband is currently defending our country. He took a screen shot of their little conversation and everyone went crazy reposting it in hopes that her husband would see it and discover what kind of little nasty he's married to. That's how I heard of the guy. No, I don't personally know him. But, I've got mad respect for Mr. Heward for his response to this chick. One Facebook subscription later, and now I see postings of his from time to time in my news feed. One in particular caught my attention this week. It was an eCard, and beneath it, he basically wanted to know, "Why do women date douchebags?" My response to Johnny's question was:

"After reading some of these comments, it's easy to see that there are a multitude of reasons why women settle for douchebags. Maybe sometimes they start out being in it for the fun of it and then develop feelings they never meant to have? Or, like someone above said: Some of us are looking for relationships with a good amount of fun and sometimes it seems like finding an honest, faithful, protective, fun guy is like looking for the holy grail. Other times, we may have thought we found that "total package" person, only to find out that they're not as wonderful as we originally thought- like in my case.
The important thing to remember is that there are just as many douchebag women out there as there are douchebag men. None of us are exempt from having them grace us with their presence. We need to LEARN from those people... We need to learn from them the kind of people we do/don't want to be, the kind of lives we do/don't want to live, and what we do/don't want in a relationship. We need to stop rushing into things and take our time in feeling them out. A couple of innocent mistakes is one thing... But, if we refuse to turn our backs on these types of relationships and to stop settling, we'll eventually have no one to blame but ourselves. And now I think I know what to make my next blog entry about- lol."

Obviously, I think the real question would be "Why does anyone date douchebags?" Also, "Why do we let them into our lives at all?" I've learned (and am still learning) that douchebags come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and relationships. You don't have to be dating a douche to be affected by one. They can be no more than a passing stranger who's quick to spit out their jerky opinion... Or worse:
we can be friends with them, or even be related to them. Sometimes we know the type of person they are, but don't know how to tell them to "get gone". Sometimes, their douchiness sneaks out of left field and blindsides us, which I've also gotten hit with recently.

One of my good friends over at Need To Vent Freely (
- who I'll refer to as her alias, SA- asked for opinions for me from her 24,000+ fan base. Some of the reasons were as follows:

-"It's the thrill of the chase"
- Juls

-"I think it's more like DoucheBags act in a way that entices. They hide their true self because they know they would never get a woman if they acted the way they really are. So, once you get in with this guy, he stops acting all nice and there you have it."- Colleen

-"I know in my case I thought I wanted a bad boy... More fun and excitement but now I see they only cared about themself"-  Randdi

-"Could be mistaking the douche bag behavior for an example of alpha male attitude."- Erin

-"They are selfish, yet charming, sweet as hell, but a total fu*ktard as well. Think they are above and beyond everyone else, and they can do no wrong. Douchebag=sociopath."-Jackie

And my top 3 favorite NTVF fan responses:

- "Women are programmed at a young age to like douchebags. "He's only throwing rocks at you because he likes you" Therefore, it's ingrained in the mind that the assholes are the ones that truly like them. Sorry, psychology's a bitch."- Carson (Oh snap! I never thought of it that way before!)
-"Both sexes date douchebags because online dating sites were developed by douchebags and then marketed by douchebags who hired douchebags to create fake douchebag profiles using douchebag bots that say just the right things to lure the rest of us douchebags to their site and keep us from going to the grocery store and meeting real people. #JustMyOpinion ;)"- Chris (He has a point. But, I'll childishly admit that I REALLY love his over-usage of the word "Douchebag" :P)

-"I believe we all try (well most of us) and give people the benefit of the doubt as we realize all of us have faults, shortcomings and struggles. Consequentially we give people chances they may not have earned as many "douche bags" are not 100% "douchie" all of the time. In many cases people with shortcomings overcompensate in other areas (sense of humor, intelligence, charisma) so we focus in on those things which make us "feel good" and believe we can tolerate the "douchebag" issues...and at first we can. But few things can sustain themselves for long when constant hurt is a factor. So in closing, all the best to Superwoman and her Diary of Douche...I'll be waiting for the Douche Bag counter version: "Douche Bag huh? What does she believe she's a Superwoman or something?"-Don (Very, very valid points. And, as a matter of fact, I DO think I'm a Superwoman ;D)

Everyone above, and *almost* everyone who posted on the original thread, made some very awesome points. I've said similar things before, but I think the key to avoiding people like this is knowing our self-worth. If people treat you like garbage, you DON'T have to sit there and take it. I don't care how much you want to keep them around because you don't have many friends. I don't care how big of a dork you are (if you're a dork, then I'm your QUEEN and I ORDER you to listen to me!). I don't care how much you think you love them (because TRUE love doesn't hurt), I don't care if your boyfriend is a mixture of Christian Grey and Channing Tatum. I don't care if your girlfriend is a mixture of Jenna Jameson and Megan Fox. I don't care for any of your excuses, because that's all they are: Excuses. No one deserves that kind of treatment. STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be honestly and truly loved.

*Love is like a fart... If you have to force it, it's probably crap.*

And if you're on the opposite end of the spectrum: It doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how much money you have, or what kind of materialistic crap you own. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gives you or anyone else the right to make people feel like less than they are. And as far as I'm concerned, I don't care how skinny or how hot you are. I out-boob you and out-awesome you on every level. Unless you have big, gloriously fake pornstar boobs. Then I politely bow out. ;)

While we're on the subject of  douches, I need to bring up X. You know, the biggest Super-Villain / Super-Douche in my life... possibly on the entire planet. On top of all of his indiscretions, I just recently found out that he conceived a child with someone else during our marriage. What a slap in the face that was! It hurt. Bad. Just when I think this guy can't hurt me any more, he outdoes himself. Part of that is my fault because I need to practice what I preach. No one can drive you crazy unless you give them the keys. I guess the joke's really on him because every time the guy moves even the slightest inch or utters a single word, he makes himself look worse. The other baby's mother and I have even become friends. It took a lot of guts to come forward like she did, and I really respect her for it. I believe that she was just another victim in one of his games, and who can really blame her for that? If anything, the person he's screwed the most and the hardest is himself. He's digging himself into an even deeper hole that, pretty soon, he's not going to be able to climb out of. He's succeeded in making me and this other woman a lot tougher... But, in the end, Karma will be an even bigger witch than we'll ever have to be ;) You get what you give, people. So give good.

I found out from the baby's mother that X once stated that he was going to come for a visit,  snatch up my lil' Side-Kick, and run home to TX with him. Do I really think he's going to do that? No. I don't think he's interested in my side-kick enough to do that. That would mean that he couldn't ignore him if he was right in front of his face. I also think he likes using our son as a form of control over my life. I think he thinks it's fun to scare and torment me. At the same time, I've underestimated him before. He's done things I never thought in a million years that he would do. So, I think it's best to use some caution.

I found out about the above threat and the other child, among A MILLION other things, all in a 24 hour time span. 4 days before X was due for a visit, and 1 day before he and his mother were going to get on the road to head our way. I didn't have time to think, I didn't have time to process the information, but I did have time to run. I panicked. I'm not saying that was the right way for me to handle things. When we panic, we tend to act irrationally. Fear will do that to us. All I could think was that there was no way I was losing MY baby to anyone. Less than a week before this incident, a friend of mine's child was kidnapped by his father. I didn't want to be in that position. I don't think I've ever been so afraid. So, I hid out at her house. I only ended up being "hidden" for a matter of hours. But, during that gut-wrenching fear, I ended up screwing up my side-kick's birthday. I can't even think about it without wanting to cry. I didn't do it intentionally, I did it to keep him safe. That doesn't mean I don't hate myself a little bit for it. But, I'm human. I was also very, very afraid. I can sleep at night knowing that I didn't do anything with malicious intent. I threw together a smaller family party the last minute where I knew no one would find us. I caught a little bit of crap from a few family members, and even that "friend" (who I later found out wasn't as much of a friend as I thought). While they were afraid for me, a lot of them did think I was being irrational. I'd be very interested to know how they would have handled it all on such short notice and next to no sleep. It's a lot to take in. And if any of them can say for 100% sure that they would have handled it a million times better than I did, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON LIFE!! Seriously, those people know me. How often do I just freak the eff out??

That day, I was relayed a message from X that if I didn't bring Side-Kick to him, he and his family would fight me in court with every dime they had. At that point, I didn't know what else to do. So, I met them over at my house and we talked it all out. I thought we'd had a good conversation and understood more of where each other were coming from. I was invited to go off with them to oversee the visit so it would make me feel better. We had a pretty good time, even though there was more drama (X had issues with his CURRENT girlfriend via phone. I know, right?). I thought their visit ended on a pretty good note, everyone was smiling and getting along. But, once again, I was deceived. I got a call a couple of days later from X stating that he was "done funding [my] fabulous life in Florida" and was refusing to pay my phone bill. I honestly had no idea that living in my dad's junk room was so fabulous. And I'm not really sure what he was "funding" because he's not paying any child support and hasn't for a long time. He was paying my phone bill because it was his only form of communication with Side-Kick and I can't afford to pay the bill myself right now. The only think I can sincerely hope is that, with the money he'll be saving by not paying the phone bill, the poor thing will now be able to afford to buy condoms ;)
I think I've written quite a lot tonight, and I still have more to say to those of us trying to ditch those douches. Looks like this is going to be my very first 2-Part entry.

I know this entry is a little bit saucier than usual. But, tonight, I just don't care... And it feels GREAT! I might not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Life Is Tough. But, I'm tougher.

FINALLY... I'm back at my computer! I've missed it so much! I can barely see what I'm typing through all of the glossy kissy-prints all over the screen ;)

I'll admit, it was kinda hard finding the motivation to type tonight because I'm so exhausted. But, I'm going to be super busy for the rest of the week... So, if I don't do it now, when will I? Plus, several of you have been messaging me and demanding more entries. And, ya know, I'd do anything for y'all <3

A lot of you know that I had to leave the state to go and take my son to see his dad. As awful as most of that was, it turned out to be a great source of blog entry inspiration. We were gone for 3 weeks. A lot of that time, I just wasn't sure how I was going to make it. It's just so hard to spend any amount time around someone who is an emotional vampire. Especially when you were once in love with said vampire. Oy, it takes a toll.

Practically the entire time I've known X, I've felt like a yo-yo, always being reeled back and forth between his split personalities. I didn't know from one day to the next which version of him I was going to get that day. I would wake up in the morning and think "Am I going to have to walk on eggshells today, or am I allowed to be happy?". There's a red flag right there. Love isn't supposed to be that way.

There were many times when we would laugh until we cried. We had inside jokes. We'd talk for hours. Sometimes, we wouldn't say anything at all, we'd just stretch out and read together. We'd confide (what I thought was) everything to each other. There were sweet and loving words, many happy memories and times, and promises made. And then there were the fights, the lies, the manipulations, etc. I didn't know which end was up because I was constantly being dragged through one extreme to the next. As bad as things could get sometimes, I would still be excited when he came home. I was like a little puppy waiting at the door for him. A lot of the time, that puppy just got kicked when the master walked in.

Sometimes, it was impossible to make him even the tiniest bit happy. The house wasn't clean enough, he thought I spent too much time on the computer that day, I was white on a Tuesday, my hair was up, I ate pork. Blah, blah, blah...Whatever. Eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. I knew it wasn't healthy for me or my son. I decided I had to go. Then, he came to me, like he did countless times during the relationship, crying, apologizing, begging for more chances, and giving very convincing speeches on love and how much he wanted our family to be together. I could sit here for days and not be able to convey his skillful way of manipulative speaking. He's a charmer. The guy could sell ice cubes to Eskimos. I loved him. I really was hoping that the "Nice" version that I fell for would come out for good, instead of dropping by to play once in a while. Each time I got the Nice version, it made me hold on to hope a little longer that things would be ok. I really wanted to make it work, so I tried even harder. I did everything I could think to do. I suggested church, counseling, books... anything I could think to suggest, I suggested. He was never interested in any of it. I tried keeping the house cleaner (which was very difficult, considering he thought "wife" was synonymous with "maid", so I was always cleaning up after him and the baby). I kept my mouth shut when he started being grumpy and mean. And that was REALLY hard for me. As you can see, I'm a strong advocate for standing up for yourself. (Plus, I've never been very good at keeping my big mouth shut- Ask my parents why I was constantly grounded in my younger days, they'll tell you it was my back-talking that did me in every time.) I built him up and complimented him more. I tried not to be a nag. I did all of these silly little things to show him how much I loved him- Love notes, you name it...

...I also moved over 2,000 miles from everyone and every thing I ever knew so I could work on "us". He got out of the Army around the time of the speech I mentioned above. I agreed that I really wanted to make things work, and off I went. We moved in with his mother, who I never really felt accepted me. I felt that both she and my ex had all of these ideas on the type of person I should be. I didn't come from money, so I must be a classless, whitetrash skankbag. I could go on for days. Anyway, if you knew me, you'd know this is not the case. I don't dress the way his mother thought I should. I have a few tattoos and some piercings, and am a well-endowed blonde. I think she focused on those facts, and ignored that I've never had so much as a speeding ticket. I'm always there for everyone, even if they don't necessarily deserve it. I was a great wife, and I'm a great mom. I don't go out and party. I don't sleep around. I'm loyal and faithful and honest. And, I think I've proven that I would do just about anything to make my marriage work. That's not to say that I'm flawless and claiming perfection... That's not the case at all. But, I have morals, I have limits, and don't deliberately hurt people.

And, here I go RAMBLING! Ahhh, This is not what I wanted to do! There's just so much to say to explain the situation. So many gaps I want to fill in. Whatever... The point is this: I busted my butt to keep our family together. And, contrary to popular belief, relationships are NOT 50/50. They're 100/100. Because if you're BOTH not giving it your ALL, then good luck staying together. I know things can get hard sometimes. But, we need to stop taking each other for granted! After all of my hard work at the marriage, and AFTER I moved far, far away from my family, my "safety net", he chose to betray me even further. Instead of working on us, as he promised, he repaid me with the aforementioned issues, and then there was the backstabbing, the infidelity, and other really horrible things. Truly horrific stories that are too painful to even think about. I felt like my heart had shattered and every time I took a breath, the fragments would tear my heart up even more. I ran home to Mama and Daddy.

Anyway, this trip had some fun moments. They all do. Moments that make me cry and wonder why he couldn't have just been happy with the family he'd been blessed with... Why he didn't think we were good enough for him. But, then there are those inevitable fights where really hurtful and cruel remarks get said. He always tries to get me back, and I'm usually always greeted by a dirty text or picture from one of his flavors of the week. The lies, the stories, the manipulations... It's always the same old song and dance. He likes to play house and pretend we are a family again. He tries to do all of the things that families do. And, because the visits are always for a lengthy amount of time, my son and I get used to being around him again, even if neither of us fall for his lines. My son is only 4, but I know he realizes things don't always add up. When the visit ends, it's like my heart breaks all over again. The same goes for my son. I'm not quite sure how to fix that part yet. But, I'm Superwoman. I know I'll eventually get it figured out. Superheros aren't prefect, either.

Something else that really bothered me this trip was a conversation I had with X's mom the night before I left to head home (6 days ago). During this conversation, she told me that she didn't think I tried hard enough to work things out. I honestly don't know how I could have tried any harder, but that didn't stop it from cutting through me like a knife. To say something like that belittles every ounce of hard work I put in to everything, every ounce of pain I went through, and every tear I cried. It also basically says that my ex can do whatever he pleases, and I should just lay there and take it. She followed it up with "Sometimes, you can be a real asshole". I would really like to know HOW?! What do I do?? She basically said that he wasn't perfect, but I sure ain't, either. Well, I know that. But, I would also never do a tenth of the things to my worst enemy that he did to me, his own wife.

After these visits, my son and I always get left feeling lost and confused. We have trouble sleeping, while he sleeps just fine. We're cranky. Everything makes us tear up. He has tantrums (Ok, fine... Sometimes, I throw tantrums, too!) Because neither of us understand why things have to be this way. I don't understand why he couldn't be happy having me as his wife, and why he chose "those kinds of girls" over me. But, eventually, the memories and thoughts wear off and I go right back to being so thankful that I'm not there anymore. If he's not smart enough to know a good thing when he has it, he's too dumb to be in my life. Thankfully, those times are not a part of my everyday life anymore. I'm so grateful for that! I hate feeling like this. But, when I look back, I realize that I've come such a long way from where I was! I learned very valuable lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way. It really sucks sometimes. But, I wouldn't take any of it back. I honestly believe that whatever trials you face now prepare you for whatever lies ahead- Should you choose to actually learn the lesson, rather than standing around crying about it (which is exactly what I want to do sometimes!). It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Believe me, sometimes I have bad days. I get tired of bouncing back and forth between my parents' houses. I hate not being able to provide for my little monster the way I feel I should. The poor thing doesn't even know where his "home" is... He was talking about that with me today, and it broke my heart. I want to give us a home. I want to build us a happy life with no room for sadness. I'm just so stuck right now. The really bad days are fewer and farther between. I just hope and pray that we can get out of this tunnel fast. I know it won't always be like this. All of our troubles are only temporary. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it :)

I've also discovered that life is tough... But, I'm tougher. I may fall down 7 times, but I WILL stand up 8. I haven't gotten it all figured out just yet. But, I'm still learning- And so are you! Sunshine always follows the rain, happiness always follows the pain. Don't look back, because you might trip over what's in front of you. It won't always be easy. But, when you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark <3