Saturday, July 6, 2013

Missing My Side-Kick

It's 37 hours into my Side-Kick's month-long (yes, MONTH-long) trip to Texas to visit his dad. I'm already starting to get antsy, and his trip has barely begun! To tell you the honest truth, I have no freaking clue how I'm going to get through this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the "He'll be back before you know it!" line. Yeah, well, for the sake of the world, I hope they're right.

I just don't know how to go about the whole "not losing my mind" process. I mean, I know the key is to get out and about to take my mind off of things. I promised myself (ok, well, they were really more like "threats" than "promises") that I wouldn't sit around the house and sulk over his absence all day. I know that will only make things worse. I also need to keep in mind that this trip is not the fault of anyone around me, and therefore, I need to keep my freaking mouth shut when I start to feel snippy because I'm uncomfortable with this situation. But, hello, this is me we're talking about. Patience is not a virtue I possess, especially when it concerns waiting to get my Side-Kick home to me safely.

This is the first time he's ever gone away without me. After X and I separated, I still always went along to supervise the visitations. The S-K just turned 5 last week, for crying out loud. So, for 3 years, I was always able to tag along. This time, I just couldn't. I wanted to be nice... I'm ALWAYS going above and beyond for these people (X and his parents). I knew they would like to have some time with just the S-K and themselves. I knew that, like it or not, once this stupid divorce is FINALLY over, the judge will rule for entire summers to be spent away from me. I figured handing him over for a month was getting off easy. Well, easy-ish. Truthfully, 2 weeks would have probably been a lot more appropriate just starting out. But, I know that you have to lose a few battles before you win the war. The battle that would have probably caused is one I would have rathered forfeit.

So, off he went. I'm trying to look at it in a positive light, though: I'm taking this month to try to get things in order for the two of us. I temporarily moved to a near-by town to look for work. So far, the job market out here is looking much better than the job market where I came from. I'm wanting to start saving up as much as possible so that when the S-K gets back, I'll finally be able to tell him that we're going to have our own place! We love our family an are grateful to my parents for taking us in in our time of need. But, it's been long enough. Time to move on and move out!

Staying on the positivity track, I'm also thinking a month with my S-K will prevent them from wanting to take him for even further-extended periods of time. No offense to my Side-Kick, and God knows how much I love him... He's my favorite person on the planet!... But, the kid is a nut. I mean, a raging lunatic! That boy is 90-to-nothin' all day, every day. I know it may sound harsh, me not wanting his father to have him much. But, those who know me and those who have been following this blog for the past year and a half know that "with his father" isn't exactly a good place for him to be. X says he loves him. And I do believe that part of him does. But, the fact of the matter is this: If someone wants you to be in their life, they'll find a way to put you there. I learned that lesson from X, myself. But, he gave the both of us up. He never fought to keep us. He never even honestly tried to keep us. Every aspect of our relationship was clouded by lies, manipulation, and deception. Even, at times, abuse. He doesn't help support the S-K in any way. He hasn't sent money in 2 years, except for maybe twice. I believe he sent $60 one time, and $80 another. $140 in 2 years won't get a child very far at all. His money goes to cigarettes and alcohol, and countless nights in bars, strip-clubs, and pool-halls. And girlfriends. Oh, the girlfriends. If I could get us all together, we would probably be able to circle the Earth. I'd suspected cheating several times during our relationship, which was eventually confirmed... On several accounts. And, to this day, they are on a heavy rotation in and out of his life. He has one little boy born during our marriage that he hasn't seen in over a year. He hasn't helped support that child, either. Ironically, the little boy's mom and I have become good friends / extended family through all of this!

I know I've mentioned a lot of this stuff before in earlier entries. But, I also know that sometimes readers need reminders. And it keeps the new readers up-to-speed. And, ok, fineeee: Also because sometimes I forget what all I've mentioned before, and what all I haven't!

Now, I'm not getting into all of that crap to cry in your beer, or to act like some crazy woman-scorned. This is my place to vent my thoughts and feelings, and if people choose to read it, GREAT! If my words, and my trials and errors can help one person: WONDERFUL!

I said all of that to say this: X rarely calls my Side-Kick. He's proven to be Kryptonite time and time again. The ONLY reason this visit happened is because his mother wanted it, and funded it. Otherwise, I truly believe that X would have been perfectly content seeing him, or not seeing him. I'm just very afraid of what S-K will witness during his visit. A lover's spat between his dad and the current flavor-of-the-week? Catch them in bed together? Will they tell him mean things about me? Will he bully him? I just have to hope and pray that everything will go off without a hitch, and that they will all be good to him out there. I encourage him to have an awesome time, and to come back and tell me about all of his adventures. I'm new to this. I've never had to send the most important person in my life away before. I've only spent maybe 4 or 5 nights away from my Side-Kick in his 5 years of life... And those nights weren't even consecutive. I just miss him, and I worry about him... As any mother would. In a perfect world, X would clean his act up and I wouldn't have to worry about any of that other stuff. One can hope.

In a conversation we had earlier this afternoon, my Side-Kick said:
"Mama, who's going to take care of you while I'm gone? Who's going to give you kisses and make you feel better if you have a bad dream? I wish you were here... You shouldn't be alone."
Sweet, huh?! I gotta be doing something right!

Anyone out there who's going through anything similar, Dory said it best: Just keep swimming! I know it's hard, especially if you're a bigmouth like me. Stop worrying about the things that you can't change. It won't get you anywhere. It's not good for you, or for anyone around you. Just relax and let it go. Just be strong and do what you need to do. But, take it from me, NEVER be ruled by your emotions. Never allow fear or uncertainty to control you.  All you can do is stay calm, be the best person and the best parent you can be. If you're unlucky enough to have a total jerk as the other parent, just know that kids are smart and intuitive. They KNOW when love is real. And then there's Karma. There's ALWAYS Karma... ;)

Monday, March 11, 2013

Though She Be But Little, She is Fierce

I've still been in a weird funk lately. I think it's because things aren't going exactly the way I want them to, and I feel trapped in the monotony. It drives me nuts. What can I say, I'm obsessively opposed to the typical. I needed a CHANGE! This past weekend, my sister-in-law helped me lighten my hair to a much lighter shade of blonde and dyed the underside of my hair burgundy. The same day, I went out and got yet another tattoo. It's one that I've been wanting for a little while. It's from William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, and it says "Though she be but little, she is fierce". I love it so much! It's empowering, and I feel like it sums me up, as well as everything I hope to accomplish in my life. As much as I love it, along with my other tattoos and unique attributes, they can cause me some headaches from other people.

The more time I've spent around certain people lately. the more I feel like I'm seen in a different light because of my... um... body modifications. Especially now that I have tattoos that are in places you can't miss... and also now, my hair. A lot of the people who seem to be judging me are, obviously, the total opposite of me. They're straight-laced clones who look the same, dress the same, act the same, drive the same cars, have the same kids, the same husbands, and lead a very vanilla life. (No freaking thank you. Not me, I need some rainbow sprinkles to go with that vanilla!) Most of them don't see anything or anyone unless they're looking down their noses at them. I've even stopped going to certain functions to avoid feeling like I'm the bug under the magnifying glass of certain family members who I feel just want to set me on fire!

There's nothing wrong with having a safer, simpler lifestyle... It just ain't for me. What bothers me is when people have to be snobish about it. So, what? Your clean-cut, sparkling lifestyle means you're somehow better than I am? Sounds pretty boring, if you ask me. If  "ordinary" what you're into, that's wonderful. But, you can keep your white picket fences. I've never wanted to be ordinary, because I know I'm anything but. I want to live in color. I don't want to tiptoe through life, only to arrive safely at death. (I wish I could remember who came up with that quote, because it rocks!) I want to experience everything and I want to have fun doing it. If you can't understand that, well then darling, that's YOUR problem. Not mine. Just because I do things differently does NOT mean I'm wrong. Stop judging me and look within yourself. Seems like your comments and stares are really only a reflection of your inner insecurities.

They say I don't dress right, my shirts are too tight. My lips are too pink, I'm covered in ink. I wasn't even trying to make that rhyme... And, yet, here we are. ::snort:: I'm not a neat-freak, so they call me out for being a little messy. I don't parent my child the way they parent theirs... You know, the *right* way. I don't have money, or an outstanding job. I could go an and on about everything I'm doing that just isn't up to par with someone else's idea of who I should be. It used to bother me. I used to try to change. Those changes I was trying to make? Yeah, they just didn't stick. And why is that? BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHO I WAS CREATED TO BE! I learned to stop caring so much about what others think and to do my thing. I also try to stay away from people who I feel like I have to try to impress. It's not always easy, and sometimes I struggle. But, I'm ultimately starting to love the person I am and am becoming. I'm more honest with myself and with others about everything- especially who I am and am not, and what I do and don't want. I know exactly what I'm looking for in life now, and I'm fighting for it. I love being feisty... It's fabulous!

I think all of us, regardless of  lifestyle, should learn to be active in our own lives, not just sitting on the sidelines. So many people don't even participate in their own lives. Where is the fun in that?! You were born to be the STAR, not a supporting role! Don't be afraid to let loose once in a while. But, don't hate what you don't understand. And, like your mama always told you: Don't judge a book by it's cover. My hair, my tattoos, and even sometimes my wardrobe might not be something you "get". I don't care. Maybe my parenting and every single other aspect of my life isn't something you "get", either. Once again, I don't care. It's not your job to like me, it's mine.

Besides, people like me are way more fun to look at naked. ;)

And, let's face it: If people were rain, YOU'D be a drizzle, and I'D be a hurricane <3




Monday, January 21, 2013

Hospital Visits & Heroes

The past couple of weeks have been quite a roller coaster. I have a headache just thinking about it. My little Side-Kick started complaining of a tummy ache about 2 weeks ago. At first, I thought he was constipated or something and tried every remedy known to mankind to help him out. It was all a no-go. What started out as a little fussing and complaining quickly escalated into him screaming and thrashing and crying out in pain, with breaks of being completely lethargic in between. And then came the vomiting. Projectile. My favorite.

My little hero / Side-Kick, smiling in spite of the pain!
      I knew something wasn't right, so my dad and I took him to the nearest hospital. I really didn't think it was going to be a big deal. I just figured they would tell me he was constipated and had a bug or something. I assumed they would help me get his nausea and vomiting under control, maybe give him a laxative... Something along those lines. You would think that I would stop assuming things when it came to medical stuff. Like, maybe I would have learned my lesson a few months ago when I was in extreme pain and held off going to the hospital as long as possible, convinced I had bad heartburn. Which, as some of you know, turned into me having to have emergency gallbladder surgery. I, of course,
Poor guy was so worn out
ended up being wrong again. They told me that, on top of being seriously dehydrated (which I expected to hear, as he refused to eat or drink anything for 10+ hours), my Side-Kick had some weird intestinal and bladder issues going on that they didn't know how to explain. They said that they weren't really equipped to help children out in those areas, so they needed to get fluids in him and transport us by ambulance to a local children's hospital. Needless to say, he wasn't thrilled in the least to get an IV. Watching him have to go through that was hard. It took them 3 tries to get the IV in and his reward was looking like a heroin addict with his horribly bruised up arms. But, hey, he also got unlimited apple juice and Angry Birds stickers. So, to him, it wasn't a total loss.

                                                                                He's absolutely obsessed with cars and trucks. Once the pain medicine kicked in, he was back to being his usual talkative self. Although, you could tell he didn't feel good. He was very excited to be in the ambulance and talked the paramedic's ear off the whole way to the children's hospital... Which was hilarious because you could tell the guy had, like, ZERO experience with kids. Eventually, we spoke with the doctor who told us that my Side-Kick had some kind of reflux in his urethra, causing old pee to come back up into his bladder after he was finished going to the bathroom, creating more problems. I can't remember the medical term for this, as I seem to have misplaced the hospital paperwork. Not that it matters anymore. But, I'll get into that  in
a second. My ex and I were told before he was ever born that he was most likely going to have that problem and would eventually need surgery. When he was a couple of days old, we took him to see a specialist who claimed to not see what the other doctors had been talking about. Fast-Forward from 4 years ago to 2 1/2 weeks ago and me sitting there in the children's hospital wondering what that quack specialist had missed. We were referred to another specialist at the children's clinic across the street and were to go in the next day for testing. We were FINALLY released from the hospital and able to go home, after being up for over 30 hours.

      Once we got to the clinic, the specialist said that he actually agreed with the original specialist from 4 years ago. He explained that, upon reviewing the scans and results from both of the hospitals the day before, it didn't look like a reflux to him, and instead looked like a blockage in his left ureter. He asked if I had been shown the CT scan pics. When I said I hadn't, he told me I needed to follow him. He showed me the scans, and my poor S-K's left kidney was about 5 times its normal size. The ureter, which is normally thinner than a pencil, is almost as thick as his arm. He showed me that there was some sort of blockage at the bottom of his ureter right before it empties into the bladder. I'm guessing it's probably a kidney stone. The kidney is so huge that it's pressing on his intestines. Either form of going to the bathroom is no easy task for him these days. We have to go in for more testing next week at both the children's hospital and clinic. I should know a lot more then. But, my Side-Kick is for sure going to have to have surgery. They have to remove that blockage. Once the swelling in the ureter goes down, it's going to be misshapen and longer than it should be. So, it will have to be cut and reattached.
He's such a tough guy!
     Through all of this, S-K had handled everything amazingly well! I've always been open and honest with him on a level that I feel he can comprehend. He knows he's going to have surgery. He's not worried in the least. All he can focus on, of course, is the fact that his grandmas are going to spoil him rotten with toys and goodies during that hospital stay. ;) He's such a trooper! I'm not anticipating any problems or difficulties. But, we will GLADLY accept any prayers you want to send his way!

    During all of this stuff, his father decided he wanted to come out here from Texas to visit him and check up on him. And, guess what? He was bringing his current flavor-of-the-week. "No negotiations". As if the S-K and I hadn't been through enough...
But, I'll save that for the next entry...

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Bring it on, 2013!

So, we've made it through the first week of 2013. I must say, I feel pretty good about this year! I don't recall ever feeling this optimistic at the beginning of a new year before... It's nice! I'm just really glad to be out of 2012. 2012 can kiss my glorious butt. I won't miss it, and if it had a face, I'd punch it. Ok, honestly, it wasn't a horrible year... I've definitely had worse. It wasn't this Cinderella's wicked step-mother. It was more like my ugly step-sister. I really don't give a flying crap if  2013 brings me Prince Charming. Just give me the dang glass slippers and the dress. And maybe a carriage. 'Cause, come on, those are pretty sweet.

I just feel refreshed now. More hopeful. I can't explain it... And I know this sounds cliche, but I really believe this is 'my year'. I've been in a little funk lately, which is mostly to blame for my absence from the blog. Although, I've been keeping my Facebook page alive. I just haven't really felt like I had much to say. I've just been so frustrated... Mostly about the same old things. I'm really ready for my side-kick and me to be out on our own. I'm ready for us to be living our life the way I feel we should be living it. I'm ready for time to ourselves and adventures just the two of us can share. Here's another one of my "If I'm Being Honest" moments: I want to prove that there's more to me than meets the eye... And, for some reason, I'm directing that toward my ex and his family. I know that I have nothing to prove. Not to them, anyway. But, I feel like I'm being looked down upon when I'm not the royal screw-up in the situation (and because I'm not the person his mom seems to think that I should be). Now, please don't get me wrong: I wasn't innocent, either. But, nothing I did was a deal-breaker. Nothing I did was heartless or cruel. Just stupid little mistakes of a young girl who didn't know much about marriage. Or life. I didn't realize just how much I had to learn. And, in the 3 years that I've been back home, I'd say I've learned a great deal. As much as I've learned though, I'm still not where I want to be- Where I feel  that I need to be.

I see myself and the Side-Kick in our own little apartment decorated with my artwork and creations and all of the cute little things he's made in school. With the aroma of some of the recipes I've pulled off of Pinterest wafting through the air. Our own personal touches everywhere. I don't need much to be happy. And if you were to ask me for my definition of "Happiness", that would be it. I've also finally decided what I want to go to school for and have almost all of the money saved up for it! My goal is to get us to a certain nearby town. It's an artsy little beach town, that's also a nice little tourist destination. I've always wanted to live there, and it would be a great place to sell my artwork and creations. And my Mama is there! I think it would be the perfect place to live, and I'm trying really hard to get us out there.

I may not be where I want to be, but it sure feels great to finally have a game plan. I don't really do the whole New Year's Resolution thing, but my goals are:

*Get into school and get a good job
*Stop worrying about what certain people think.
*Inspire and be inspired.
*Be better than I was at keeping up with this blog
*Try harder to get my artwork and writing "Out There"

Well, here we go! Here's to a fantastic 2013! *Cheers*