Sunday, January 29, 2012


Today has been a yucky day. And I'm desperately trying to change that. Maybe writing about it will help. One can only hope.

I feel restless. I hate feeling caged. I just feel so stuck. So much is caught up on these stupid divorce papers. I'm so sick of looking at them. I'm so sick of worrying about them and having them hanging over my head like a storm cloud. I'm so sick of REDOING them! I desperately need money- I want to be able to take better care of myself and my son. I want us to be able to get our own place. I can't get a job until the divorce papers are done because I can't afford daycare costs. I don't even have anyone I could get to watch him during the day. I would need assistance. I won't get that assistance if I'm still legally married. In fact, I can't really apply for ANYTHING assistance-wise if I'm still legally married. I don't want to live off the government or anything... I just want to be able to get my head above water. Once that is done, I'll be good to go.

Another BIG reason for my frustration is that this is definitely not where I saw my life headed. Not saying that it's not good. I just saw myself going down an entirely different path. And that course was changed. It threw me through a loop, but I believe with all my heart that God had a reason for allowing that to happen. Who knows why I was brought down this path? Who knows where it'll lead me? I don't know yet, But, I can't wait to find out! Maybe it's to help people by using all of the things I've learned? Maybe I'll write a book? I have no idea, at this present moment. But, I do know that everything happens for a reason. And I believe that everything bad that happens to us in our lives, God will use for something good. I believe that with every fiber of my being. I don't know why it's so hard for me to remember on days like this.

I look at my son, and I hate that I can't give him the world. I hate that this child hasn't been able to enjoy having his own room and his own space in 2 years. I hate that I can't set out all of his toys. I want to do so much for him. I want to take him places. I want to fill his whole life with happy memories and erase all of the sad ones. I hope I'm able to do all of that and more for him one day. And I hope that "one day" isn't too far off.

It's so funny how situations and events (both good and bad) can change the way you think of certain things. Songs, movies, smells, even something as simple as a word. I'm minding my own business... Listening to one of my Pandora stations while trying to write this entry and eat dinner simultaneously. "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers just came on. The line is so insignificant. "Choking on your alibis". But it was enough to make me want to throw up everything I've just eaten. All I can think about is a text I saw on my ex's phone. He was writing it while holding my hand at the movies. (We'd gone to see Robinhood... And, for the record, I can't stand to watch that movie now, either.) It said "Hey baby, I'll be there as soon as I can. I got her to buy my alibi. I want you so bad right now". Uggghhh... Why did that have to happen today?? But, it's fine. I'm fine. And I'm gonna be awesome. I'm Superwoman, after all ;) It's his loss. Sometimes, things happen to make an already rough day worse. It's how you let it affect you that matters. Do you let it pull the rug out from under you? No. If you keep getting the rug pulled from underneath you, you throw away the rug! Eventually, all bad memories will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

Like I said: Today was kind of a "blah" day. I wish I had the superpowers to make every day perfect. But, I don't. Besides, if every day was perfect, it wouldn't be real life. I feel better now that I've gotten a lot of what was bothering me... Even if the thoughts in this entry aren't as organized as I would like. Anyway, we all get hurt. We all fall down. We've got to get up and keep moving. It's how we go on that defines us. It helps if you have a game plan. It's an imperfect world. We don't have control of people or the way things turn out, and we can't control our fate or what paths our lives will take us down. But, at least with a plan, you'll have some direction to head in. Me? I'm going to get these papers finished and turned in to the RIGHT people. I'm going to go to school, get an awesome job. Take care of myself and my son... Get us out on our own, and fill all of our days with as much happiness as humanly possible. Do something BIG. Help people. Inspire and be inspired. One thing I'm NOT going to do is let this break me. One of the secrets to life is turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

That's what I'M going to do. Now, what are YOU going to do??

Stay beautiful!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fat Days & True Beauty

Alright, I'm just gonna come out and say it:
*Today, I'm having a "Fat Day".*

Ladies, I know you know what I'm talking about. These days just sneak up on you out of nowhere and try to drag you down into the bottomless pit of Self-Loathing.

Yes, that's right, even Superwoman has them.

And, as I was browsing the internet tonight, I stumbled upon this picture:

At first glance, it looks kinda cute, right? But, it's inaccurate. Real women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. All walks of life. A real woman isn't defined by the size of her waist, the clothes she wears, the money in her bank account, how popular she is, who she marries, or the color of her skin. A real woman is defined by the way she carries herself, her confidence, dignity, grace, the love she has for others, her ability to forgive. She even has a sense of humor. She has to, to handle life's messes! A real woman recognized TRUE beauty in herself and others. A real woman realizes that she is a miracle in herself. She's a blessing to this world. No other woman (or human being) on this planet possesses the unique gifts that you have. No one can do all of the things that you do. 

From a Christian standpoint, a real woman:
  • …is glad she’s a woman and rejoices in her femininity, expressing it through her attitude, appearance and bearing. (1 Timothy 2:9-10)
  •  …values the cultivation of her mind and diligently seeks after wisdom and knowledge. (Proverbs 22:17-21, 2:2-6)
  •  …does not wallow in self-pity or make a habit of voicing complaints, but radiates cheerfulness and joy. (Proverbs 15:15, Proverbs 17:22)
  •  …is trustworthy and gains the respect of those around her. (Proverbs 31:11)
  •  …encourages and builds up those around her instead of criticizing and tearing them down. (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Ephesians 4:29)
  •  …restrains herself from listening to, or participating in gossip, but instead speaks with wisdom and discretion. (Proverbs 11:12-13, 22, 20:19, 3:11)
  •  …does not have a nagging, contentious or manipulative manner in which she deals with others. (Judges 16:16, Proverbs 21:9, 19, 26:21)
It doesn't matter how "fat" or how "skinny" you are. It doesn't matter how short or how tall you are. It's not your looks that make you "real". TRUE beauty isn't an outward appearance.

But, since we're talking about looks now... If you want to be beautiful on the outside, you have to start with your inside. You want some GREAT beauty advise? Here are a few tips from one of my loves, Miss Audrey Hepburn:

  • For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
  • For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
  • For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
  • For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
  • For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
  • People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
  • Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.
  • As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
  • The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.
  • The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
  • The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.
And then, there are my ideas on being real and having true beauty:
  • Embrace yourself and all that you are.
  • Forgive yourself for your mistakes- Hey, you aren't perfect (Neither am I, and I'm a superhero ;P)
  • Forgive others for things they do to you (Like I said last night: Forgiveness is more for you than for them, anyway. You can't harbor hatred... It'll rot you from the inside out.)
  • Live out loud!- We're only given one life... Make it count!
  • Don't try to be perfect!- A real woman isn't perfect, and a perfect woman isn't real.
  • Embrace change- You never know where certain roads will take you.Follow your heart. But, take your brain with you

I have so many more things that I could say there. But, I feel like we'd be here all night. And I'm already seriously delayed in getting this blog posted. But, that's what late night trips to the Super Walmart will do for you (Hehe... *snort* Get it? SUPER Walmart?? Ok ok, I'll shut up now)

Anyway, the point is this: I had a fat day. So what? We all have them. We have ugly days, too. Do we succumb and buy into those feelings? Or do we turn down the volume of the villains in our brains and listen to what our hearts tell us, instead? Choose to ignore the media. Ignore society. What do they know, anyway? YOU are beautiful. I mean it. I wouldn't lie :) It's about time we all started being a little kinder to ourselves. Think healthy, live healthy, love healthy. Healthiness and happiness are the keys to living a wonderful life. And that's what we all want, deep down. To be happy. To leave a legacy. So, live a life so beautiful and so amazing that it will be worth remembering.

And don't take this stuff as me saying you have to always be on your best behavior. After all, as the late great Marilyn Monroe once said: "Well behaved women rarely make history" ;)


Wednesday, January 25, 2012


I feel the need to write about Kryptonite tonight. We all have that thing (or *those* thingS) -- Or even people. Wait, ESPECIALLY people-- that just make you want to tear your hair out and SCREAM! Kryptonite robs you of your strength and your sanity... While at the same time, seeming to heighten the superpowers of your villain.

 So, what do you do? How do you handle it? I wish I had all of the answers. I don't. Usually people only want to be a menace to others because they're unhappy with themselves for some reason. And you shouldn't take it personally. But, let's face it, sometimes they make it pretty dang personal! How do I not let the things Splenda has said and done get under my skin? What about others who hurt me? The key is to having a forgiving heart. Forgiveness is more for you than for them, anyway. If you let hatred sit inside of you, it eventually rots you from the inside out.

CoCo Chanel said "A girl should be two things: classy & fabulous". You should handle situations in a manner so that you don't come off looking like the silly one in the situation. Sometimes, that's really hard for me. I tend to say what's on my mind. I'm a STRONG advocate for standing up for yourself and what you believe in. I've never been very good at keeping my mouth shut ;) I've always been this way. If you ask my parents what I was most often in trouble for growing up, they'll tell you it was because of my big mouth. Daddy says he's always admired that about me.

You have choices. You can ignore the person. You can try talking it out. (Or you can do like my friend Marcy suggests and cut them out of your life entirely :P And she's right... Sometimes, you do have to do that!) But, there are some people who you just can't reason with. If a person means something to you, you should do everything you can to try and save the relationship first. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Lately, I've felt really wronged by two people who meant a whole lot to me. Not romantically involved with either one of them, just to put that out there. I was so mad at them for what was said about me. One was a person I never fight with ever. The other, this person's counterpart, who I couldn't stand before but grew to love. I grew to love that person through a lot of talking and felt that we'd come to an understanding. But, then as of a week or so ago, I felt like they totally destroyed that. At first, I think I handled things pretty classy. But, then today, when those "villains" dropped in with their Kryptonite, I let it get the best of me. I didn't exactly meant to be rude. But, they did overhear me venting to someone else about it. I can't say that I feel horrible about it... Because I didn't lie about what was done, nor did I call any names. But, instead of venting to someone else about it, I should have just gone straight to the source. I've got to think that it's taken me almost 27 years to get this far... I've got several years on the ones who did the "wronging". Maybe they don't quite realize the full gravity of what they said? Who knows? Maybe I would know if I bothered to ask. Why didn't I ask? Because I'm so tired of chasing after people. I'm so tired of being the first to apologize or the first to make an effort. I want someone to make an effort with me, too. But, maybe the lesson I'm supposed to learn here is that it doesn't matter how tired I am of making certain efforts. By doing them anyway, I'm helping myself to be a better person. If the other person or people (and not necessarily the ones involved in this situation... I'm speaking generically) aren't ready or willing to make certain efforts themselves, it's going to take them a whole lot longer to learn whatever life lessons they're supposed to learn. And their life lessons aren't my business.

As for the more difficult people to reason with, such as Splenda, I'm still learning. I think that's a story for a different day and a different entry.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a phone call to make...

Stay beautiful! <3

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Kicking butt and taking names

I managed to accomplish quite a bit today- I organized a bunch of previously thought "un-organizable" stuff, did some laundry, all of the normal daily chores, and even created a Facebook page for this blog- all with a clingy toddler attached to my hip!

..."Like" me??

It's new, I'm new... So, it's not completely perfect yet. I'm getting there :)

Know what I didn't accomplish today? Getting around to filling out that stack of divorce papers for the 3rd (Yes, THIRD!) time... Oy, is this getting old?! Something always keeps happening! Last time, I gave them to X, who was headed up to the courthouse anyway. Annnd, what does he do? He *LOSES* them. Tell me I'm not the only one who doesn't believe that. I'm trying not to be discouraged. But, even superheroes have their off-days. I've gotta make myself sit back down and get those things done (and do everything in my super-powers to get them done right and turned in to the proper people). Because, let's face it: I'm tired of this coming back to haunt me. I'm tired of not truly being able to move on and be free. I've got a life to live and a world to save!

I was texting with one of my childhood best friends today (my lovely Lisa- who has long since moved far away from me *pout*) and she said "Not that I forgot, but that blog reminded me of why we were such great friends growing up and why I was so drawn to you... You truly are an amazing person through and through and it emanates through your words. I feel truly blessed to know you :)" Wow.. Just, wow. That's quite a compliment! It made me feel pretty amazing! I've gotten so much good feedback about this blog... No one could even begin to know just how much that means to me! During the conversation with Lisa, we were doing a bit of catching up. She asked how I was doing, and I told her that I was doing really well, and that I was still fighting my way out of the darkness. I feel like I'm almost completely out of it. I admitted that there were times when I wasn't sure I could. She assured me that it was natural. She said that when times get tough for her, she reminds herself how far she's come and that she's not the only one who depends on her. I'm sure all parents struggling with tough situations can attest to that. I know I can. Just because I've felt like my life was falling apart at times doesn't mean that I can give up, just lay down and let it run me over. Not only is it not good for me personally, but it's also not good for my lil' Side-Kick, He's been through enough... He doesn't need me adding anymore stress to his 3 year old mind.

And while we're on that subject: Let me just stress to you just how important it is for you to not ever give up or lose hope. Even if no one else relies on you. You should matter enough to yourself. You DESERVE to be happy! So many people forget that and just let happiness fall by the wayside. Why do we tend to forget that we're important, too? I lost sight of myself for a while, and it's taken an uphill battle to get me where I am today. And I'm still improving! I'm nowhere near being everything I want to be and doing everything I want to accomplish. But, Lord willing, I still have time.

How did I even make it this far? Soul-searching. Prayer. Lots of Bible reading,lots of reading period. Anything I could get my hands on. It didn't necessarily have to be religious to speak to me. My cousin, Nikki, was so amazing. That woman armed me with so many books that helped me get myself out of my head. One series in particular sticks out in my mind. The Fever series by Karen Marie Moning... If you haven't yet, READ HER! She is seriously amazing. They're fantasy books, but they're a great escape. And she's a smart woman... The wisdom she puts in the words of her characters... WOW! On the Christianity side of things, Joyce Meyer really helped me a whole lot, too. She knows her stuff! "How to Succeed at Being Yourself" and "The Confident Woman" were amazing. I don't even have time to sit here and tell you right now of all of the books I read. And I spent a lot of time talking to inspirational people and being in church and reading inspirational pages. Anything I could think of to do, I did. Everything I read, everything I heard, everything I saw, I just soaked it all up. I kept dozens and dozens of notebooks. Wrote down hundreds of quotes and ideas. Anything I could do to drive out all of the darkness. I'm on the right track! I've got to keep doing it. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Never ever look back. You'll trip over what's in front of you.

Stick with me, and I'll do my best to be an inspiration to you. You know, pay it forward to those who did that for me :)

Stay beautiful!

Monday, January 23, 2012

How much longer until bedtime?

There is not enough caffiene in the world to keep me awake right now. The little Monster was sick last night and we were literally up every 5 minutes for bathroom trips. Fast forward to 2:30 AM and me cleaning projectile vomit off of, well, everything. And he decided to be an early-riser this morning... *Yawn*

I've been going through my old Photobucket account for the better part of the day. I came across all of these old graphics I had made for me. "Mr. & Mrs. X, Est. 2007". "Splenda & Super Woman, living our fairytale"... And there were many, many, more where those came from. *Gag* Thank God I'm past the point of setbacks. There was a time when seeing those would have ruined my whole day. Times when I would have been reduced to rocking back and forth in the shower sucking my thumb. "Fairytale", huh?? Little did I know that my knight in shining armor would turn out to be a jerk in aluminum foil. But, hey, I'm living and I'm learning. That's what really counts, right? (Besides, the glass slippers were starting to hurt. The cape I traded them for is much more comfortable)

And anyway, I really should thank him. If it wasn't for him, I never would have begun this path to Self-Discovery in the first place. I shouldn't even concern myself with him at all. As long as he isn't doing something to poison my child's mind or well-being, that is. (Plus, the guy is over 2 ,000 miles away... Unless he drops in for one of his ridiculously long visits and stays so long I consider checking myself in to a Psych Ward) Any amount of ugliness he  dumped on me will get turned right back around on him. I spent a lot of time feeling like nothing, all because of mean words and selfish, cruel actions done to me. Eleanore Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"... Guess what I'm learning?

Something I want to do is inspire hope in other people. Regardless of the situation they're going through. I've had enough of being sad, and I'm willing to bet there are a lot of others out there who feel the same way.

In case you don't hear it often enough, you're beautiful <3

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Well, hi there!

My first post. Here goes nothin'...

I guess I'll start off by explaining the reason for my title. It's pretty much your run of the mill "boy meets girl, they fall in love/get married/start a family, boy cheats on girl and leaves her in the dust" story. BUT, this is not a "please feel sorry for me!" blog. Because instead of letting this whole situation bring me down and shatter my whole world (as, I'll admit, I originally thought it would), I did a lot of soul-searching, praying, and getting to know my inner self and discovered who I really am, who I really want to be, and what I really want out of life.

I learned that I'm a lot tougher than I thought! In fact, I'm kind of badass! One of the things that I learned is that you can never control or truly predict other people. The people you think will be around forever may unexpectedly walk out on you tomorrow. Fine, let them. There's a reason some of the people from your past don't make it to your future. I believe that God gives us the people we need, not necessarily the people that we want, in our lives. People who will teach us different things and help mold us and shape us into the people we're meant to be. When the ones who aren't meant to stick around do go, it just means their part in our story is over. Don't get discouraged and close the book. Turn the page. You never know what lies in the chapters ahead! It's taken me a while to figure that one out. There's the right way, and then there's my way. I think I'm starting to get the hang of it :)

When my ex-husband (who I have since dubbed "Splenda", as he is artificially sweet) did all that he did, I felt so lost. Like, Pamela-Anderson-Playing-Jeopardy lost. All I could focus on were the things that were now gone from my life. My "true love", my house, my vehicle, my sanity, my heart, my trust, my feeling of safety... Blah blah blah, you get the picture. It took time for me to realize that sometimes love just doesn't last. I'm currently strugling with this "Don't ever let anyone sweep you off your feet, because then you're in the prefect position for him to drop you on your butt" mentality. I also realized that I don't want to EVER be in the position where I have to depend on someone again. I want to get through school and have a career. Be able to take care of myself and my son. I want to have my own money, my own vehicle, my own things, etc, so that if (and that's a BIG *if*) I ever find myself married to someone again and going through yet another divorce, I'll be fine because I can take care of myself... And won't be crammed into a little side room living with my dad (or some other random family member) and all of the eleventy-billion other people who live here. Orrr, I'll stay single for the rest of my life and be fine knowing I don't have to have a man to be taken care of. Either way, it's a win-win for me.

The point is that I don't want to be a damsel in distress. I was talking to my dad one day and he was going on and on about he was getting older and didn't want to die without knowing I was going to be taken care of. In that conversation, he mentioned how he was praying for me to find a good man, settle down, and get married again. Daddy had the best of intentions in his heart... He always does! But inside, I recoiled as if I'd been slapped. It was in that moment that I knew I wanted to make it on my own. Having someone in my life would be nice. Nobody wants to be lonely! But, if I do find that 'someone', I want them to be in my life because I WANT them there. Not because I NEED them there. And I hope he would want the same, vise-versa. Dependence does NOT = love. I do NOT want someone to rescue me. I don't want someone who "completes" me. I want someone who compliments my completeness. It was then that I replied, sniffling, to Daddy and said "But, I don't want to be Lois Lane! I want to be Super Woman!" and something in my brain just clicked :)