Friday, July 27, 2012

Ditching the Douches- Part 2

I wasn't going to start writing this entry until tomorrow because I've been writing for hours. But, hey, call me "Butter" 'cause I'm on a roll.

If you've read "Ditching the Douches- Part 1" (Found: HERE!), then you know that these particular entries deal mainly with getting the bad (douchy) people out of our lives... And even ways to remedy the situations. I'd also like to think the title is pretty self-explanatory ;)

With everything that's gone on with X and also some things that have happened with certain family members/friends (some things not pertaining to the current issues whatsoever), I'm finding just how hard it can be to know who you can really trust. It's very important to have people in your life that you can count on. If you discover that you can't count on someone, you need to decide what to do with them-- and fast! Everyone makes mistakes- None of us are perfect. It's those douches who are repeat offenders and feel no remorse whatsoever for doing the offending that are the big issue.

After the most recent issues with X and his epic doucheness, I started to feel really overwhelmed by ugliness. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was gossip and lying and betrayal. I don't mean that to sound like every aspect of my life was a horrible drama/horror-fest, because it wasn't. It isn't. There are some hard times and some crazy people, but there's a whole lot of "good" in my life, too. I started feeling more depressed when I found out that someone who I thought was a really close friend was not only talking about me behind my back to people she knew there were some issues with, but also making stories and incidents into something they totally weren't. She was caught when she was cornered and didn't have a way to back-pedal her way out. I was so bummed because I really thought she was one person I could count on, no matter what. To find that I was wrong was devastating. It only confirmed how much ugliness and deceit were surrounding all of those that I hold close. I decided right then that it had to stop.  I sat down and had a long talk with my dad and his girlfriend of 17 years. The GF (who I'll refer to as "H") and I have had some issues for a long, long time. Some were pretty bad. We sat down together and talked about how all of this junk was getting out of hand, and that without even meaning to, we had, in a sense, become douches, too. Not to everyone. Just to each other. But, douchebaggery is douchebaggery, nonetheless. We had a long talk and aired out a lot of dirty laundry. We were completely honest about a lot of stuff. It wasn't fun, but it had to be done. A lot of our problems with each other came from us never talking things out when we had an issue. Maybe because we didn't want there to be a huge fight? Maybe we were just afraid? Whatever the reason, we caused more problems by not going directly to each other about it. Instead, we would vent to other people. But, there's a fine line between venting and gossip, and I have no doubt that that line was crossed on several occasions. I don't think we even realized we were doing it at the time. But, this whole situation really just made us sit back and take a good, hard look at everything.

In the movie "Mean Girls", Lindsay Lohan's character says "When you get bit by a snake, you are supposed to suck out the poison. Well, that's what I had to do. I had to suck all of the poison out of my life." That's exactly what we're trying to do. Life is too short to live under a toxic raincloud all the time. A lot of us out there talk about wanting better, happier lives. Part of that is realizing where you are wrong, admitting it, and actually changing it. H and I decided that night that we were going to get as much of the poison out of our lives as we possibly could. We made a promise to ourselves and each other that from that night on, we would forget about all of the ugly stuff in the past. We talked about it, we got it out, and now it's gone. From now on, if there is an issue, we're to go directly to each other. In going to each other when a problem arises, it eliminates the "he said/ she said" nonsense. If we're venting to someone (no matter who we're venting to, or what we're venting about), we're going to be VERY careful of that line between venting and gossip. Believe me, it's much thinner and blurrier than you think. It's VERY easy to go overboard, as I've just mentioned. State why you're upset. State facts. If you're upset, be upset. But DON'T get into name-calling, exaggerating, or lying. DON'T get into airing out other dirty laundry you may have on that person just because you're angry with them. THAT is where the line gets crossed. You're better than that. You don't need to go putting anymore ugliness out into your universe.

There's a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. But, it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. I believe I've reached that point. You can try talking things out, you can pray for them, you can forgive them and love them from afar. You don't have to keep them in your life, if you think they're only going to create more havoc. You can only do what you can do. No matter what you do to fix yourself, you have absolutely NO control over anyone else or their actions. You can't fix a douchebag. You can't make them un-douchey. Don't worry about them. Don't worry about what they're doing. Don't live in fear of them or cower from them. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Be true, be real, be honest. Let people worry about themselves. If they truly want to change, they will when they're ready. If they don't want to change, let them deal with those consequences. What goes around comes around. What people put out into the universe comes back on them. If you do "good", you're going to get "good" back. (Heaven help you if you're putting nothing but "bad" out there.) I'm not saying you won't ever go through hard times, because you will. That's life. None of us are exempt from hardships. It's how you react to them and handle them that defines you. We go through bad things to help us grow as people. I probably couldn't know or write half of the stuff I know and write about without going through the bad stuff I've had to go through first. The secret to life is making stepping stones out of stumbling blocks. Turning our trials into triumphs. Intentionally doing bad things to others only adds to the ugly things being put out into the world. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."- Romans 12:19. Don't focus on the goings-on in someone else's life, waiting on them to get what you think they deserve. In doing so, you lose sight of yourself and what's important to you. If you want more positivity in your life, surround yourself with positive people and lift each other up. Leave no room for negativity. People need to stop trying to pull each other down.

I'm a decent person, but there is always room for improvement. I won't ever be perfect or have life 100% figured out. I just want to use any and all situations in my life to help me grow into the best person that I can be. I hope to inspire others through my trials and errors and my learning from my mistakes and shortcomings... Which will hopefully spare a lot  of you some of the headaches I've received because of my own hardheadedness. Most importantly, I want to instill my knowledge in my son, my lil' side kick. I want to help him grow into the best man he can possibly be. Also most importantly, when I get called to Heaven, I want to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Ditching the Douches- Part 1

So, according to my dashboard, I'm 5 days shy of not having posted an entry for 3 whole months. *Sigh* It's not you, it's me. No, no... I really do mean that. There's been a TON of stuff going on- Some good, some bad, some ugly... and some that nearly sent me into homicidal fits of rage. Also, I'm exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, pass-out-on-the-keyboard exhausted. I think my Sleep Number is officially "QWERTY". Either way, due to all of the above, this entry is going to be a cluster-eff of randomosity. Embrace it. Fear it. It'll mostly be about getting rid of the sucky people in our lives- hence the title "Ditching the Douches". So, come with me as we take this life-altering journey together...

...or maybe "Climb on board for a white-knucked ride to Loopy Land" would be more accurate.

I owe the credit for the main topic of this entry to Johnny Heward, who as a lot of you know, was being hit on by a married woman who's husband is currently defending our country. He took a screen shot of their little conversation and everyone went crazy reposting it in hopes that her husband would see it and discover what kind of little nasty he's married to. That's how I heard of the guy. No, I don't personally know him. But, I've got mad respect for Mr. Heward for his response to this chick. One Facebook subscription later, and now I see postings of his from time to time in my news feed. One in particular caught my attention this week. It was an eCard, and beneath it, he basically wanted to know, "Why do women date douchebags?" My response to Johnny's question was:

"After reading some of these comments, it's easy to see that there are a multitude of reasons why women settle for douchebags. Maybe sometimes they start out being in it for the fun of it and then develop feelings they never meant to have? Or, like someone above said: Some of us are looking for relationships with a good amount of fun and sometimes it seems like finding an honest, faithful, protective, fun guy is like looking for the holy grail. Other times, we may have thought we found that "total package" person, only to find out that they're not as wonderful as we originally thought- like in my case.
The important thing to remember is that there are just as many douchebag women out there as there are douchebag men. None of us are exempt from having them grace us with their presence. We need to LEARN from those people... We need to learn from them the kind of people we do/don't want to be, the kind of lives we do/don't want to live, and what we do/don't want in a relationship. We need to stop rushing into things and take our time in feeling them out. A couple of innocent mistakes is one thing... But, if we refuse to turn our backs on these types of relationships and to stop settling, we'll eventually have no one to blame but ourselves. And now I think I know what to make my next blog entry about- lol."

Obviously, I think the real question would be "Why does anyone date douchebags?" Also, "Why do we let them into our lives at all?" I've learned (and am still learning) that douchebags come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and relationships. You don't have to be dating a douche to be affected by one. They can be no more than a passing stranger who's quick to spit out their jerky opinion... Or worse:
we can be friends with them, or even be related to them. Sometimes we know the type of person they are, but don't know how to tell them to "get gone". Sometimes, their douchiness sneaks out of left field and blindsides us, which I've also gotten hit with recently.

One of my good friends over at Need To Vent Freely (
- who I'll refer to as her alias, SA- asked for opinions for me from her 24,000+ fan base. Some of the reasons were as follows:

-"It's the thrill of the chase"
- Juls

-"I think it's more like DoucheBags act in a way that entices. They hide their true self because they know they would never get a woman if they acted the way they really are. So, once you get in with this guy, he stops acting all nice and there you have it."- Colleen

-"I know in my case I thought I wanted a bad boy... More fun and excitement but now I see they only cared about themself"-  Randdi

-"Could be mistaking the douche bag behavior for an example of alpha male attitude."- Erin

-"They are selfish, yet charming, sweet as hell, but a total fu*ktard as well. Think they are above and beyond everyone else, and they can do no wrong. Douchebag=sociopath."-Jackie

And my top 3 favorite NTVF fan responses:

- "Women are programmed at a young age to like douchebags. "He's only throwing rocks at you because he likes you" Therefore, it's ingrained in the mind that the assholes are the ones that truly like them. Sorry, psychology's a bitch."- Carson (Oh snap! I never thought of it that way before!)
-"Both sexes date douchebags because online dating sites were developed by douchebags and then marketed by douchebags who hired douchebags to create fake douchebag profiles using douchebag bots that say just the right things to lure the rest of us douchebags to their site and keep us from going to the grocery store and meeting real people. #JustMyOpinion ;)"- Chris (He has a point. But, I'll childishly admit that I REALLY love his over-usage of the word "Douchebag" :P)

-"I believe we all try (well most of us) and give people the benefit of the doubt as we realize all of us have faults, shortcomings and struggles. Consequentially we give people chances they may not have earned as many "douche bags" are not 100% "douchie" all of the time. In many cases people with shortcomings overcompensate in other areas (sense of humor, intelligence, charisma) so we focus in on those things which make us "feel good" and believe we can tolerate the "douchebag" issues...and at first we can. But few things can sustain themselves for long when constant hurt is a factor. So in closing, all the best to Superwoman and her Diary of Douche...I'll be waiting for the Douche Bag counter version: "Douche Bag huh? What does she believe she's a Superwoman or something?"-Don (Very, very valid points. And, as a matter of fact, I DO think I'm a Superwoman ;D)

Everyone above, and *almost* everyone who posted on the original thread, made some very awesome points. I've said similar things before, but I think the key to avoiding people like this is knowing our self-worth. If people treat you like garbage, you DON'T have to sit there and take it. I don't care how much you want to keep them around because you don't have many friends. I don't care how big of a dork you are (if you're a dork, then I'm your QUEEN and I ORDER you to listen to me!). I don't care how much you think you love them (because TRUE love doesn't hurt), I don't care if your boyfriend is a mixture of Christian Grey and Channing Tatum. I don't care if your girlfriend is a mixture of Jenna Jameson and Megan Fox. I don't care for any of your excuses, because that's all they are: Excuses. No one deserves that kind of treatment. STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be honestly and truly loved.

*Love is like a fart... If you have to force it, it's probably crap.*

And if you're on the opposite end of the spectrum: It doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how much money you have, or what kind of materialistic crap you own. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gives you or anyone else the right to make people feel like less than they are. And as far as I'm concerned, I don't care how skinny or how hot you are. I out-boob you and out-awesome you on every level. Unless you have big, gloriously fake pornstar boobs. Then I politely bow out. ;)

While we're on the subject of  douches, I need to bring up X. You know, the biggest Super-Villain / Super-Douche in my life... possibly on the entire planet. On top of all of his indiscretions, I just recently found out that he conceived a child with someone else during our marriage. What a slap in the face that was! It hurt. Bad. Just when I think this guy can't hurt me any more, he outdoes himself. Part of that is my fault because I need to practice what I preach. No one can drive you crazy unless you give them the keys. I guess the joke's really on him because every time the guy moves even the slightest inch or utters a single word, he makes himself look worse. The other baby's mother and I have even become friends. It took a lot of guts to come forward like she did, and I really respect her for it. I believe that she was just another victim in one of his games, and who can really blame her for that? If anything, the person he's screwed the most and the hardest is himself. He's digging himself into an even deeper hole that, pretty soon, he's not going to be able to climb out of. He's succeeded in making me and this other woman a lot tougher... But, in the end, Karma will be an even bigger witch than we'll ever have to be ;) You get what you give, people. So give good.

I found out from the baby's mother that X once stated that he was going to come for a visit,  snatch up my lil' Side-Kick, and run home to TX with him. Do I really think he's going to do that? No. I don't think he's interested in my side-kick enough to do that. That would mean that he couldn't ignore him if he was right in front of his face. I also think he likes using our son as a form of control over my life. I think he thinks it's fun to scare and torment me. At the same time, I've underestimated him before. He's done things I never thought in a million years that he would do. So, I think it's best to use some caution.

I found out about the above threat and the other child, among A MILLION other things, all in a 24 hour time span. 4 days before X was due for a visit, and 1 day before he and his mother were going to get on the road to head our way. I didn't have time to think, I didn't have time to process the information, but I did have time to run. I panicked. I'm not saying that was the right way for me to handle things. When we panic, we tend to act irrationally. Fear will do that to us. All I could think was that there was no way I was losing MY baby to anyone. Less than a week before this incident, a friend of mine's child was kidnapped by his father. I didn't want to be in that position. I don't think I've ever been so afraid. So, I hid out at her house. I only ended up being "hidden" for a matter of hours. But, during that gut-wrenching fear, I ended up screwing up my side-kick's birthday. I can't even think about it without wanting to cry. I didn't do it intentionally, I did it to keep him safe. That doesn't mean I don't hate myself a little bit for it. But, I'm human. I was also very, very afraid. I can sleep at night knowing that I didn't do anything with malicious intent. I threw together a smaller family party the last minute where I knew no one would find us. I caught a little bit of crap from a few family members, and even that "friend" (who I later found out wasn't as much of a friend as I thought). While they were afraid for me, a lot of them did think I was being irrational. I'd be very interested to know how they would have handled it all on such short notice and next to no sleep. It's a lot to take in. And if any of them can say for 100% sure that they would have handled it a million times better than I did, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON LIFE!! Seriously, those people know me. How often do I just freak the eff out??

That day, I was relayed a message from X that if I didn't bring Side-Kick to him, he and his family would fight me in court with every dime they had. At that point, I didn't know what else to do. So, I met them over at my house and we talked it all out. I thought we'd had a good conversation and understood more of where each other were coming from. I was invited to go off with them to oversee the visit so it would make me feel better. We had a pretty good time, even though there was more drama (X had issues with his CURRENT girlfriend via phone. I know, right?). I thought their visit ended on a pretty good note, everyone was smiling and getting along. But, once again, I was deceived. I got a call a couple of days later from X stating that he was "done funding [my] fabulous life in Florida" and was refusing to pay my phone bill. I honestly had no idea that living in my dad's junk room was so fabulous. And I'm not really sure what he was "funding" because he's not paying any child support and hasn't for a long time. He was paying my phone bill because it was his only form of communication with Side-Kick and I can't afford to pay the bill myself right now. The only think I can sincerely hope is that, with the money he'll be saving by not paying the phone bill, the poor thing will now be able to afford to buy condoms ;)
I think I've written quite a lot tonight, and I still have more to say to those of us trying to ditch those douches. Looks like this is going to be my very first 2-Part entry.

I know this entry is a little bit saucier than usual. But, tonight, I just don't care... And it feels GREAT! I might not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.