Saturday, July 6, 2013

Missing My Side-Kick

It's 37 hours into my Side-Kick's month-long (yes, MONTH-long) trip to Texas to visit his dad. I'm already starting to get antsy, and his trip has barely begun! To tell you the honest truth, I have no freaking clue how I'm going to get through this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the "He'll be back before you know it!" line. Yeah, well, for the sake of the world, I hope they're right.

I just don't know how to go about the whole "not losing my mind" process. I mean, I know the key is to get out and about to take my mind off of things. I promised myself (ok, well, they were really more like "threats" than "promises") that I wouldn't sit around the house and sulk over his absence all day. I know that will only make things worse. I also need to keep in mind that this trip is not the fault of anyone around me, and therefore, I need to keep my freaking mouth shut when I start to feel snippy because I'm uncomfortable with this situation. But, hello, this is me we're talking about. Patience is not a virtue I possess, especially when it concerns waiting to get my Side-Kick home to me safely.

This is the first time he's ever gone away without me. After X and I separated, I still always went along to supervise the visitations. The S-K just turned 5 last week, for crying out loud. So, for 3 years, I was always able to tag along. This time, I just couldn't. I wanted to be nice... I'm ALWAYS going above and beyond for these people (X and his parents). I knew they would like to have some time with just the S-K and themselves. I knew that, like it or not, once this stupid divorce is FINALLY over, the judge will rule for entire summers to be spent away from me. I figured handing him over for a month was getting off easy. Well, easy-ish. Truthfully, 2 weeks would have probably been a lot more appropriate just starting out. But, I know that you have to lose a few battles before you win the war. The battle that would have probably caused is one I would have rathered forfeit.

So, off he went. I'm trying to look at it in a positive light, though: I'm taking this month to try to get things in order for the two of us. I temporarily moved to a near-by town to look for work. So far, the job market out here is looking much better than the job market where I came from. I'm wanting to start saving up as much as possible so that when the S-K gets back, I'll finally be able to tell him that we're going to have our own place! We love our family an are grateful to my parents for taking us in in our time of need. But, it's been long enough. Time to move on and move out!

Staying on the positivity track, I'm also thinking a month with my S-K will prevent them from wanting to take him for even further-extended periods of time. No offense to my Side-Kick, and God knows how much I love him... He's my favorite person on the planet!... But, the kid is a nut. I mean, a raging lunatic! That boy is 90-to-nothin' all day, every day. I know it may sound harsh, me not wanting his father to have him much. But, those who know me and those who have been following this blog for the past year and a half know that "with his father" isn't exactly a good place for him to be. X says he loves him. And I do believe that part of him does. But, the fact of the matter is this: If someone wants you to be in their life, they'll find a way to put you there. I learned that lesson from X, myself. But, he gave the both of us up. He never fought to keep us. He never even honestly tried to keep us. Every aspect of our relationship was clouded by lies, manipulation, and deception. Even, at times, abuse. He doesn't help support the S-K in any way. He hasn't sent money in 2 years, except for maybe twice. I believe he sent $60 one time, and $80 another. $140 in 2 years won't get a child very far at all. His money goes to cigarettes and alcohol, and countless nights in bars, strip-clubs, and pool-halls. And girlfriends. Oh, the girlfriends. If I could get us all together, we would probably be able to circle the Earth. I'd suspected cheating several times during our relationship, which was eventually confirmed... On several accounts. And, to this day, they are on a heavy rotation in and out of his life. He has one little boy born during our marriage that he hasn't seen in over a year. He hasn't helped support that child, either. Ironically, the little boy's mom and I have become good friends / extended family through all of this!

I know I've mentioned a lot of this stuff before in earlier entries. But, I also know that sometimes readers need reminders. And it keeps the new readers up-to-speed. And, ok, fineeee: Also because sometimes I forget what all I've mentioned before, and what all I haven't!

Now, I'm not getting into all of that crap to cry in your beer, or to act like some crazy woman-scorned. This is my place to vent my thoughts and feelings, and if people choose to read it, GREAT! If my words, and my trials and errors can help one person: WONDERFUL!

I said all of that to say this: X rarely calls my Side-Kick. He's proven to be Kryptonite time and time again. The ONLY reason this visit happened is because his mother wanted it, and funded it. Otherwise, I truly believe that X would have been perfectly content seeing him, or not seeing him. I'm just very afraid of what S-K will witness during his visit. A lover's spat between his dad and the current flavor-of-the-week? Catch them in bed together? Will they tell him mean things about me? Will he bully him? I just have to hope and pray that everything will go off without a hitch, and that they will all be good to him out there. I encourage him to have an awesome time, and to come back and tell me about all of his adventures. I'm new to this. I've never had to send the most important person in my life away before. I've only spent maybe 4 or 5 nights away from my Side-Kick in his 5 years of life... And those nights weren't even consecutive. I just miss him, and I worry about him... As any mother would. In a perfect world, X would clean his act up and I wouldn't have to worry about any of that other stuff. One can hope.

In a conversation we had earlier this afternoon, my Side-Kick said:
"Mama, who's going to take care of you while I'm gone? Who's going to give you kisses and make you feel better if you have a bad dream? I wish you were here... You shouldn't be alone."
Sweet, huh?! I gotta be doing something right!

Anyone out there who's going through anything similar, Dory said it best: Just keep swimming! I know it's hard, especially if you're a bigmouth like me. Stop worrying about the things that you can't change. It won't get you anywhere. It's not good for you, or for anyone around you. Just relax and let it go. Just be strong and do what you need to do. But, take it from me, NEVER be ruled by your emotions. Never allow fear or uncertainty to control you.  All you can do is stay calm, be the best person and the best parent you can be. If you're unlucky enough to have a total jerk as the other parent, just know that kids are smart and intuitive. They KNOW when love is real. And then there's Karma. There's ALWAYS Karma... ;)