Ditching the Douches- Part 2

I wasn't going to start writing this entry until tomorrow because I've been writing for hours. But, hey, call me "Butter" 'cause I'm on a roll.

If you've read "Ditching the Douches- Part 1" (Found: HERE!), then you know that these particular entries deal mainly with getting the bad (douchy) people out of our lives... And even ways to remedy the situations. I'd also like to think the title is pretty self-explanatory ;)

With everything that's gone on with X and also some things that have happened with certain family members/friends (some things not pertaining to the current issues whatsoever), I'm finding just how hard it can be to know who you can really trust. It's very important to have people in your life that you can count on. If you discover that you can't count on someone, you need to decide what to do with them-- and fast! Everyone makes mistakes- None of us are perfect. It's those douches who are repeat offenders and feel no remorse whatsoever for doing the offending that are the big issue.

After the most recent issues with X and his epic doucheness, I started to feel really overwhelmed by ugliness. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was gossip and lying and betrayal. I don't mean that to sound like every aspect of my life was a horrible drama/horror-fest, because it wasn't. It isn't. There are some hard times and some crazy people, but there's a whole lot of "good" in my life, too. I started feeling more depressed when I found out that someone who I thought was a really close friend was not only talking about me behind my back to people she knew there were some issues with, but also making stories and incidents into something they totally weren't. She was caught when she was cornered and didn't have a way to back-pedal her way out. I was so bummed because I really thought she was one person I could count on, no matter what. To find that I was wrong was devastating. It only confirmed how much ugliness and deceit were surrounding all of those that I hold close. I decided right then that it had to stop.  I sat down and had a long talk with my dad and his girlfriend of 17 years. The GF (who I'll refer to as "H") and I have had some issues for a long, long time. Some were pretty bad. We sat down together and talked about how all of this junk was getting out of hand, and that without even meaning to, we had, in a sense, become douches, too. Not to everyone. Just to each other. But, douchebaggery is douchebaggery, nonetheless. We had a long talk and aired out a lot of dirty laundry. We were completely honest about a lot of stuff. It wasn't fun, but it had to be done. A lot of our problems with each other came from us never talking things out when we had an issue. Maybe because we didn't want there to be a huge fight? Maybe we were just afraid? Whatever the reason, we caused more problems by not going directly to each other about it. Instead, we would vent to other people. But, there's a fine line between venting and gossip, and I have no doubt that that line was crossed on several occasions. I don't think we even realized we were doing it at the time. But, this whole situation really just made us sit back and take a good, hard look at everything.

In the movie "Mean Girls", Lindsay Lohan's character says "When you get bit by a snake, you are supposed to suck out the poison. Well, that's what I had to do. I had to suck all of the poison out of my life." That's exactly what we're trying to do. Life is too short to live under a toxic raincloud all the time. A lot of us out there talk about wanting better, happier lives. Part of that is realizing where you are wrong, admitting it, and actually changing it. H and I decided that night that we were going to get as much of the poison out of our lives as we possibly could. We made a promise to ourselves and each other that from that night on, we would forget about all of the ugly stuff in the past. We talked about it, we got it out, and now it's gone. From now on, if there is an issue, we're to go directly to each other. In going to each other when a problem arises, it eliminates the "he said/ she said" nonsense. If we're venting to someone (no matter who we're venting to, or what we're venting about), we're going to be VERY careful of that line between venting and gossip. Believe me, it's much thinner and blurrier than you think. It's VERY easy to go overboard, as I've just mentioned. State why you're upset. State facts. If you're upset, be upset. But DON'T get into name-calling, exaggerating, or lying. DON'T get into airing out other dirty laundry you may have on that person just because you're angry with them. THAT is where the line gets crossed. You're better than that. You don't need to go putting anymore ugliness out into your universe.

There's a point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. But, it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. I believe I've reached that point. You can try talking things out, you can pray for them, you can forgive them and love them from afar. You don't have to keep them in your life, if you think they're only going to create more havoc. You can only do what you can do. No matter what you do to fix yourself, you have absolutely NO control over anyone else or their actions. You can't fix a douchebag. You can't make them un-douchey. Don't worry about them. Don't worry about what they're doing. Don't live in fear of them or cower from them. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Be true, be real, be honest. Let people worry about themselves. If they truly want to change, they will when they're ready. If they don't want to change, let them deal with those consequences. What goes around comes around. What people put out into the universe comes back on them. If you do "good", you're going to get "good" back. (Heaven help you if you're putting nothing but "bad" out there.) I'm not saying you won't ever go through hard times, because you will. That's life. None of us are exempt from hardships. It's how you react to them and handle them that defines you. We go through bad things to help us grow as people. I probably couldn't know or write half of the stuff I know and write about without going through the bad stuff I've had to go through first. The secret to life is making stepping stones out of stumbling blocks. Turning our trials into triumphs. Intentionally doing bad things to others only adds to the ugly things being put out into the world. "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."- Romans 12:19. Don't focus on the goings-on in someone else's life, waiting on them to get what you think they deserve. In doing so, you lose sight of yourself and what's important to you. If you want more positivity in your life, surround yourself with positive people and lift each other up. Leave no room for negativity. People need to stop trying to pull each other down.

I'm a decent person, but there is always room for improvement. I won't ever be perfect or have life 100% figured out. I just want to use any and all situations in my life to help me grow into the best person that I can be. I hope to inspire others through my trials and errors and my learning from my mistakes and shortcomings... Which will hopefully spare a lot  of you some of the headaches I've received because of my own hardheadedness. Most importantly, I want to instill my knowledge in my son, my lil' side kick. I want to help him grow into the best man he can possibly be. Also most importantly, when I get called to Heaven, I want to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

Ditching the Douches- Part 1

So, according to my dashboard, I'm 5 days shy of not having posted an entry for 3 whole months. *Sigh* It's not you, it's me. No, no... I really do mean that. There's been a TON of stuff going on- Some good, some bad, some ugly... and some that nearly sent me into homicidal fits of rage. Also, I'm exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, pass-out-on-the-keyboard exhausted. I think my Sleep Number is officially "QWERTY". Either way, due to all of the above, this entry is going to be a cluster-eff of randomosity. Embrace it. Fear it. It'll mostly be about getting rid of the sucky people in our lives- hence the title "Ditching the Douches". So, come with me as we take this life-altering journey together...

...or maybe "Climb on board for a white-knucked ride to Loopy Land" would be more accurate.

I owe the credit for the main topic of this entry to Johnny Heward, who as a lot of you know, was being hit on by a married woman who's husband is currently defending our country. He took a screen shot of their little conversation and everyone went crazy reposting it in hopes that her husband would see it and discover what kind of little nasty he's married to. That's how I heard of the guy. No, I don't personally know him. But, I've got mad respect for Mr. Heward for his response to this chick. One Facebook subscription later, and now I see postings of his from time to time in my news feed. One in particular caught my attention this week. It was an eCard, and beneath it, he basically wanted to know, "Why do women date douchebags?" My response to Johnny's question was:

"After reading some of these comments, it's easy to see that there are a multitude of reasons why women settle for douchebags. Maybe sometimes they start out being in it for the fun of it and then develop feelings they never meant to have? Or, like someone above said: Some of us are looking for relationships with a good amount of fun and sometimes it seems like finding an honest, faithful, protective, fun guy is like looking for the holy grail. Other times, we may have thought we found that "total package" person, only to find out that they're not as wonderful as we originally thought- like in my case.

The important thing to remember is that there are just as many douchebag women out there as there are douchebag men. None of us are exempt from having them grace us with their presence. We need to LEARN from those people... We need to learn from them the kind of people we do/don't want to be, the kind of lives we do/don't want to live, and what we do/don't want in a relationship. We need to stop rushing into things and take our time in feeling them out. A couple of innocent mistakes is one thing... But, if we refuse to turn our backs on these types of relationships and to stop settling, we'll eventually have no one to blame but ourselves. And now I think I know what to make my next blog entry about- lol."

Obviously, I think the real question would be "Why does anyone date douchebags?" Also, "Why do we let them into our lives at all?" I've learned (and am still learning) that douchebags come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and relationships. You don't have to be dating a douche to be affected by one. They can be no more than a passing stranger who's quick to spit out their jerky opinion... Or worse: we can be friends with them, or even be related to them. Sometimes we know the type of person they are, but don't know how to tell them to "get gone". Sometimes, their douchiness sneaks out of left field and blindsides us, which I've also gotten hit with recently.

One of my good friends over at Need To Vent Freely (http://www.facebook.com/NeedToVentFreely) - who I'll refer to as her alias, SA- asked for opinions for me from her 24,000+ fan base. Some of the reasons were as follows:

-"It's the thrill of the chase"- Juls

-"I think it's more like DoucheBags act in a way that entices. They hide their true self because they know they would never get a woman if they acted the way they really are. So, once you get in with this guy, he stops acting all nice and there you have it."- Colleen


-"I know in my case I thought I wanted a bad boy... More fun and excitement but now I see they only cared about themself"-  Randdi

-"Could be mistaking the douche bag behavior for an example of alpha male attitude."- Erin
 
-"They are selfish, yet charming, sweet as hell, but a total fu*ktard as well. Think they are above and beyond everyone else, and they can do no wrong. Douchebag=sociopath."-Jackie

And my top 3 favorite NTVF fan responses:

- "Women are programmed at a young age to like douchebags. "He's only throwing rocks at you because he likes you" Therefore, it's ingrained in the mind that the assholes are the ones that truly like them. Sorry, psychology's a bitch."- Carson (Oh snap! I never thought of it that way before!)
-"Both sexes date douchebags because online dating sites were developed by douchebags and then marketed by douchebags who hired douchebags to create fake douchebag profiles using douchebag bots that say just the right things to lure the rest of us douchebags to their site and keep us from going to the grocery store and meeting real people. #JustMyOpinion ;)"- Chris (He has a point. But, I'll childishly admit that I REALLY love his over-usage of the word "Douchebag" :P)

-"I believe we all try (well most of us) and give people the benefit of the doubt as we realize all of us have faults, shortcomings and struggles. Consequentially we give people chances they may not have earned as many "douche bags" are not 100% "douchie" all of the time. In many cases people with shortcomings overcompensate in other areas (sense of humor, intelligence, charisma) so we focus in on those things which make us "feel good" and believe we can tolerate the "douchebag" issues...and at first we can. But few things can sustain themselves for long when constant hurt is a factor. So in closing, all the best to Superwoman and her Diary of Douche...I'll be waiting for the Douche Bag counter version: "Douche Bag huh? What does she believe she's a Superwoman or something?"-Don (Very, very valid points. And, as a matter of fact, I DO think I'm a Superwoman ;D)

Everyone above, and *almost* everyone who posted on the original thread, made some very awesome points. I've said similar things before, but I think the key to avoiding people like this is knowing our self-worth. If people treat you like garbage, you DON'T have to sit there and take it. I don't care how much you want to keep them around because you don't have many friends. I don't care how big of a dork you are (if you're a dork, then I'm your QUEEN and I ORDER you to listen to me!). I don't care how much you think you love them (because TRUE love doesn't hurt), I don't care if your boyfriend is a mixture of Christian Grey and Channing Tatum. I don't care if your girlfriend is a mixture of Jenna Jameson and Megan Fox. I don't care for any of your excuses, because that's all they are: Excuses. No one deserves that kind of treatment. STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be honestly and truly loved.

*Love is like a fart... If you have to force it, it's probably crap.*

And if you're on the opposite end of the spectrum: It doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how much money you have, or what kind of materialistic crap you own. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gives you or anyone else the right to make people feel like less than they are. And as far as I'm concerned, I don't care how skinny or how hot you are. I out-boob you and out-awesome you on every level. Unless you have big, gloriously fake pornstar boobs. Then I politely bow out. ;)


While we're on the subject of  douches, I need to bring up X. You know, the biggest Super-Villain / Super-Douche in my life... possibly on the entire planet. On top of all of his indiscretions, I just recently found out that he conceived a child with someone else during our marriage. What a slap in the face that was! It hurt. Bad. Just when I think this guy can't hurt me any more, he outdoes himself. Part of that is my fault because I need to practice what I preach. No one can drive you crazy unless you give them the keys. I guess the joke's really on him because every time the guy moves even the slightest inch or utters a single word, he makes himself look worse. The other baby's mother and I have even become friends. It took a lot of guts to come forward like she did, and I really respect her for it. I believe that she was just another victim in one of his games, and who can really blame her for that? If anything, the person he's screwed the most and the hardest is himself. He's digging himself into an even deeper hole that, pretty soon, he's not going to be able to climb out of. He's succeeded in making me and this other woman a lot tougher... But, in the end, Karma will be an even bigger witch than we'll ever have to be ;) You get what you give, people. So give good.

I found out from the baby's mother that X once stated that he was going to come for a visit,  snatch up my lil' Side-Kick, and run home to TX with him. Do I really think he's going to do that? No. I don't think he's interested in my side-kick enough to do that. That would mean that he couldn't ignore him if he was right in front of his face. I also think he likes using our son as a form of control over my life. I think he thinks it's fun to scare and torment me. At the same time, I've underestimated him before. He's done things I never thought in a million years that he would do. So, I think it's best to use some caution.

I found out about the above threat and the other child, among A MILLION other things, all in a 24 hour time span. 4 days before X was due for a visit, and 1 day before he and his mother were going to get on the road to head our way. I didn't have time to think, I didn't have time to process the information, but I did have time to run. I panicked. I'm not saying that was the right way for me to handle things. When we panic, we tend to act irrationally. Fear will do that to us. All I could think was that there was no way I was losing MY baby to anyone. Less than a week before this incident, a friend of mine's child was kidnapped by his father. I didn't want to be in that position. I don't think I've ever been so afraid. So, I hid out at her house. I only ended up being "hidden" for a matter of hours. But, during that gut-wrenching fear, I ended up screwing up my side-kick's birthday. I can't even think about it without wanting to cry. I didn't do it intentionally, I did it to keep him safe. That doesn't mean I don't hate myself a little bit for it. But, I'm human. I was also very, very afraid. I can sleep at night knowing that I didn't do anything with malicious intent. I threw together a smaller family party the last minute where I knew no one would find us. I caught a little bit of crap from a few family members, and even that "friend" (who I later found out wasn't as much of a friend as I thought). While they were afraid for me, a lot of them did think I was being irrational. I'd be very interested to know how they would have handled it all on such short notice and next to no sleep. It's a lot to take in. And if any of them can say for 100% sure that they would have handled it a million times better than I did, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WON LIFE!! Seriously, those people know me. How often do I just freak the eff out??

That day, I was relayed a message from X that if I didn't bring Side-Kick to him, he and his family would fight me in court with every dime they had. At that point, I didn't know what else to do. So, I met them over at my house and we talked it all out. I thought we'd had a good conversation and understood more of where each other were coming from. I was invited to go off with them to oversee the visit so it would make me feel better. We had a pretty good time, even though there was more drama (X had issues with his CURRENT girlfriend via phone. I know, right?). I thought their visit ended on a pretty good note, everyone was smiling and getting along. But, once again, I was deceived. I got a call a couple of days later from X stating that he was "done funding [my] fabulous life in Florida" and was refusing to pay my phone bill. I honestly had no idea that living in my dad's junk room was so fabulous. And I'm not really sure what he was "funding" because he's not paying any child support and hasn't for a long time. He was paying my phone bill because it was his only form of communication with Side-Kick and I can't afford to pay the bill myself right now. The only think I can sincerely hope is that, with the money he'll be saving by not paying the phone bill, the poor thing will now be able to afford to buy condoms ;)I think I've written quite a lot tonight, and I still have more to say to those of us trying to ditch those douches. Looks like this is going to be my very first 2-Part entry.


I know this entry is a little bit saucier than usual. But, tonight, I just don't care... And it feels GREAT! I might not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

Life Is Tough. But, I'm tougher.

FINALLY... I'm back at my computer! I've missed it so much! I can barely see what I'm typing through all of the glossy kissy-prints all over the screen ;)




I'll admit, it was kinda hard finding the motivation to type tonight because I'm so exhausted. But, I'm going to be super busy for the rest of the week... So, if I don't do it now, when will I? Plus, several of you have been messaging me and demanding more entries. And, ya know, I'd do anything for y'all <3



A lot of you know that I had to leave the state to go and take my son to see his dad. As awful as most of that was, it turned out to be a great source of blog entry inspiration. We were gone for 3 weeks. A lot of that time, I just wasn't sure how I was going to make it. It's just so hard to spend any amount time around someone who is an emotional vampire. Especially when you were once in love with said vampire. Oy, it takes a toll.



Practically the entire time I've known X, I've felt like a yo-yo, always being reeled back and forth between his split personalities. I didn't know from one day to the next which version of him I was going to get that day. I would wake up in the morning and think "Am I going to have to walk on eggshells today, or am I allowed to be happy?". There's a red flag right there. Love isn't supposed to be that way.

There were many times when we would laugh until we cried. We had inside jokes. We'd talk for hours. Sometimes, we wouldn't say anything at all, we'd just stretch out and read together. We'd confide (what I thought was) everything to each other. There were sweet and loving words, many happy memories and times, and promises made. And then there were the fights, the lies, the manipulations, etc. I didn't know which end was up because I was constantly being dragged through one extreme to the next. As bad as things could get sometimes, I would still be excited when he came home. I was like a little puppy waiting at the door for him. A lot of the time, that puppy just got kicked when the master walked in.

Sometimes, it was impossible to make him even the tiniest bit happy. The house wasn't clean enough, he thought I spent too much time on the computer that day, I was white on a Tuesday, my hair was up, I ate pork. Blah, blah, blah...Whatever. Eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. I knew it wasn't healthy for me or my son. I decided I had to go. Then, he came to me, like he did countless times during the relationship, crying, apologizing, begging for more chances, and giving very convincing speeches on love and how much he wanted our family to be together. I could sit here for days and not be able to convey his skillful way of manipulative speaking. He's a charmer. The guy could sell ice cubes to Eskimos. I loved him. I really was hoping that the "Nice" version that I fell for would come out for good, instead of dropping by to play once in a while. Each time I got the Nice version, it made me hold on to hope a little longer that things would be ok. I really wanted to make it work, so I tried even harder. I did everything I could think to do. I suggested church, counseling, books... anything I could think to suggest, I suggested. He was never interested in any of it. I tried keeping the house cleaner (which was very difficult, considering he thought "wife" was synonymous with "maid", so I was always cleaning up after him and the baby). I kept my mouth shut when he started being grumpy and mean. And that was REALLY hard for me. As you can see, I'm a strong advocate for standing up for yourself. (Plus, I've never been very good at keeping my big mouth shut- Ask my parents why I was constantly grounded in my younger days, they'll tell you it was my back-talking that did me in every time.) I built him up and complimented him more. I tried not to be a nag. I did all of these silly little things to show him how much I loved him- Love notes, you name it...



...I also moved over 2,000 miles from everyone and every thing I ever knew so I could work on "us". He got out of the Army around the time of the speech I mentioned above. I agreed that I really wanted to make things work, and off I went. We moved in with his mother, who I never really felt accepted me. I felt that both she and my ex had all of these ideas on the type of person I should be. I didn't come from money, so I must be a classless, whitetrash skankbag. I could go on for days. Anyway, if you knew me, you'd know this is not the case. I don't dress the way his mother thought I should. I have a few tattoos and some piercings, and am a well-endowed blonde. I think she focused on those facts, and ignored that I've never had so much as a speeding ticket. I'm always there for everyone, even if they don't necessarily deserve it. I was a great wife, and I'm a great mom. I don't go out and party. I don't sleep around. I'm loyal and faithful and honest. And, I think I've proven that I would do just about anything to make my marriage work. That's not to say that I'm flawless and claiming perfection... That's not the case at all. But, I have morals, I have limits, and don't deliberately hurt people.







And, here I go RAMBLING! Ahhh, This is not what I wanted to do! There's just so much to say to explain the situation. So many gaps I want to fill in. Whatever... The point is this: I busted my butt to keep our family together. And, contrary to popular belief, relationships are NOT 50/50. They're 100/100. Because if you're BOTH not giving it your ALL, then good luck staying together. I know things can get hard sometimes. But, we need to stop taking each other for granted! After all of my hard work at the marriage, and AFTER I moved far, far away from my family, my "safety net", he chose to betray me even further. Instead of working on us, as he promised, he repaid me with the aforementioned issues, and then there was the backstabbing, the infidelity, and other really horrible things. Truly horrific stories that are too painful to even think about. I felt like my heart had shattered and every time I took a breath, the fragments would tear my heart up even more. I ran home to Mama and Daddy.

Anyway, this trip had some fun moments. They all do. Moments that make me cry and wonder why he couldn't have just been happy with the family he'd been blessed with... Why he didn't think we were good enough for him. But, then there are those inevitable fights where really hurtful and cruel remarks get said. He always tries to get me back, and I'm usually always greeted by a dirty text or picture from one of his flavors of the week. The lies, the stories, the manipulations... It's always the same old song and dance. He likes to play house and pretend we are a family again. He tries to do all of the things that families do. And, because the visits are always for a lengthy amount of time, my son and I get used to being around him again, even if neither of us fall for his lines. My son is only 4, but I know he realizes things don't always add up. When the visit ends, it's like my heart breaks all over again. The same goes for my son. I'm not quite sure how to fix that part yet. But, I'm Superwoman. I know I'll eventually get it figured out. Superheros aren't prefect, either.




Something else that really bothered me this trip was a conversation I had with X's mom the night before I left to head home (6 days ago). During this conversation, she told me that she didn't think I tried hard enough to work things out. I honestly don't know how I could have tried any harder, but that didn't stop it from cutting through me like a knife. To say something like that belittles every ounce of hard work I put in to everything, every ounce of pain I went through, and every tear I cried. It also basically says that my ex can do whatever he pleases, and I should just lay there and take it. She followed it up with "Sometimes, you can be a real asshole". I would really like to know HOW?! What do I do?? She basically said that he wasn't perfect, but I sure ain't, either. Well, I know that. But, I would also never do a tenth of the things to my worst enemy that he did to me, his own wife.

After these visits, my son and I always get left feeling lost and confused. We have trouble sleeping, while he sleeps just fine. We're cranky. Everything makes us tear up. He has tantrums (Ok, fine... Sometimes, I throw tantrums, too!) Because neither of us understand why things have to be this way. I don't understand why he couldn't be happy having me as his wife, and why he chose "those kinds of girls" over me. But, eventually, the memories and thoughts wear off and I go right back to being so thankful that I'm not there anymore. If he's not smart enough to know a good thing when he has it, he's too dumb to be in my life. Thankfully, those times are not a part of my everyday life anymore. I'm so grateful for that! I hate feeling like this. But, when I look back, I realize that I've come such a long way from where I was! I learned very valuable lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way. It really sucks sometimes. But, I wouldn't take any of it back. I honestly believe that whatever trials you face now prepare you for whatever lies ahead- Should you choose to actually learn the lesson, rather than standing around crying about it (which is exactly what I want to do sometimes!). It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Believe me, sometimes I have bad days. I get tired of bouncing back and forth between my parents' houses. I hate not being able to provide for my little monster the way I feel I should. The poor thing doesn't even know where his "home" is... He was talking about that with me today, and it broke my heart. I want to give us a home. I want to build us a happy life with no room for sadness. I'm just so stuck right now. The really bad days are fewer and farther between. I just hope and pray that we can get out of this tunnel fast. I know it won't always be like this. All of our troubles are only temporary. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it :)






I've also discovered that life is tough... But, I'm tougher. I may fall down 7 times, but I WILL stand up 8. I haven't gotten it all figured out just yet. But, I'm still learning- And so are you! Sunshine always follows the rain, happiness always follows the pain. Don't look back, because you might trip over what's in front of you. It won't always be easy. But, when you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark <3

SuperBlonde in Peril

Oh, what a day. I didn't think I was going to make it out alive!

I was sitting here at the computer earlier this afternoon, messing around on Facebook. Minding my own business. When, suddenly, my son walked in, pointed to the floor behind me, and said "Look, Mommy! Lizard!" At first, I didn't think anything of it. I'm thinking it's one of those teeny little green lizards. I turned around and let let out the mother of all bloodcurdling shrieks. For, taking up temporary residency atop Mt. Laundry wasn't just any old lizard. It was a skink. And it came straight from the depths of hell.

*DUN DUN DUNNN*

Had he been outside, it would have been fine. I can share my outdoors with it's natural inhabitants (USUALLY). But, this thing was invading my personal territory. And, soon after, it invaded my sanity, as well. I sat here squealing like a pig being slaughtered, as this thing slither-crawled (*cringe*) under a pile of miscellaneous objects (since I started taking up space at my dad's house, my room is technically the junk room), and went into hiding. I could feel it's evil little eyes boring into me. I knew he was watching. Waiting. As a lot of unmarried women would do, I immediately called my father to demand immediate rescue. Only, he didn't answer his phone :/ As I've mentioned before, my dad is a police officer. I later found out that he was on a call, and couldn't answer his phone. Ok, so no help there. I decided it was best to attempt to text and call everyone I knew would be within a 10 mile radius. No luck there, either.Then, I decided then that the thing to do would be to call my very-pregnant sister-in-law, who lives an hour and a half away. I knew there was no way on Earth that she could help me. But, in my feeble-minded state, I was thoroughly convinced that hearing her voice could magically protect me.

While on the phone, we hatched this plan that I was going to get my now-empty garbage can (It was originally full. No time to run to the kitchen... So, where do you think the contents ended up?!), sit and wait, and then pounce over the skink- placing the overturned can over him, thus trapping him inside. It all sounded well and good... until he creepy-crawled from his hiding place. I became instantly psychotic, holding the bucket out in front of me- like a lion tamer might hold out a chair to keep the enraged feline at bay. All thoughts of the plan and the bucket-pouncing went right out the window. I started screaming like a banshee for it to "crawl back into the pit of hell where it came from". My sister-in-law was laughing hysterically. My son looked at me like I was a moron. And the skink skittered back into hiding, no doubt mentally sharing one or both of the reactions I got from my sister and son.

At this point, I decided to get off the phone with my S-I-L, and give calling dear ol' Dad another shot. He answered! SCORE!! Voice quivering, I told him that I had just tried to call him and got no answer. But, that there was a skink loose in my bedroom. And that, if he couldn't come, he better send the cavalry- and they better bring guns and Tasers. His reply? "I'm on a medical emergency call. When I'm done here, I'll try to come." In my mind, I'm thinking "MEDICAL EMERGENCY?? What on earth could be a bigger emergency than THIS?!?!" Instead, I said "TRY?? You're gonna have to do a heck of a lot better than TRY!" This is the part where the little devil reared his ugly little head again, which sent me into another bout of screaming my head off. I could tell Daddy wasn't too happy about that. I let him go, so he could get back to his call. And in the meantime, called my S-I-L back. I needed her magical, protecting voice to keep me safe... Or at least provide SOME comfort.

I was going insane on the phone with her, and she was laughing so hard that I thought I would surely send her into labor. "I just don't know what I'm gonna do! I swear, he's sitting there in the dark somewhere gauging my every move and planning his next attack!", I told her. "You just don't understand. This thing is EVIL! I'm talking straight-from-the-bowels- of-hell evil! Daddy's gotta do something! He's just GOTTA!" I exaggerated. By this time, I'm fanning myself with my hand and have since sweated off all of my makeup. I was also posting about it on Facebook, which is only caused even more people to laugh hysterically at me. Finally, the front door burst open, and in strode my knights in shining armor: my daddy and my honorary uncle... All decked-out in full police gear! And then, I was overcome by this terrorizing fear that, if they caught the skink, they would surely put it on me to pay me back for being such a dork.

Without another second's thought, I flew passed them like a bat out of hell screeching "IT'S IN THE CORNER BY THE DRUMS! IT'S IN THE CORNER BY THE DRUMS!!!" And then flung myself into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me. Sister-in-Law is STILL laughing- and who could blame her?!! Once in my new sanctuary, I immediately began stuffing towels under the door, so that no one would be able to let the skink loose in the bathroom with me. And then, the only logical thing left for me to do was stand in the bathtub. I even imagined it coming up through the drain in the tub! I'd thought this all out: Even if I hopped from the top of the toilet to the bathroom counter, and then threw open the bathroom door, I wouldn't make it very far before one of them caught me and put the thing on me. Heck, once I left the safety of my bathroom, there was nowhere else to hide. The other doors either don't lock, or lead to other bedrooms that I'm not welcome in. Still on the phone, I start to hyperventilate. "AHHH! You don't understand! I'm barely hanging on to my last thread of sanity! If they don't catch this thing, that thread is gonna snap. And then it's all over for me! May as well call the looney bin. You'll have to put me away forever, if I don't die of a heart attack first!" In the background, all I could hear were the sounds of  two full-grown, ARMED police officers ransacking my bedroom while looking for a lizard. Not only did they find that little scaly piece of evil, he took them on a wild goose chase! The room was horrible-- even more so than before. They got another call and were going to have to leave. But, they swore they moved tons of stuff around and never found the stupid thing. They said they THINK it ran out the open door, and gave some detailed explanations as to why they felt that way. Well, "THINK" isn't good enough for this girl. I need VISUAL CONFIRMATION. Sadly, I won't get that visual confirmation :/ Without visual confirmation, I can only assume the little beady-eyed spawn of Satan is watching me from the depths of hell, waiting to spring on me at any given moment. I have nightmarish visions of it crawling all over my son and me during the night.*shudder* 

I'm sedating myself with a Tylenol PM tonight. I won't be able to sleep, otherwise. I'll be looking over my shoulder constantly. As it is, I've gone crazy. I'm shaking like a leaf. I keep feeling random objects touch me, and jump out of my skin... Immediately thinking "NOOOOO!!!! IT'S BAAAACK!!!"

I'll be sleeping with one eye open- IF I ever sleep at all.

Even Superwoman gets scared silly sometimes.


                                           

^^Just looking at this pic makes me cringe and want to throw up! I'll never be the same again!!^^


**Here's part of the Facebook convo:**

Me- OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!

THERE'S A SKINK LOOSE IN MY BEDROOM!!!

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

I HAVE NO ONE TO RESCUE ME!!!

I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!!

J.R.- !!!!!!! OH GOD
RUN!!!

A.S.- OMFG Are you serious?!?! Get some nuts, or candy and try to trail it outside.


Me- I'M HYPERVENTILATING AND LOSING MY RELIGION!!!


A.S.- Calm down, don't freak it out. Just get something to lure it out the window or door, nuts and candy work really well.


Me- I called my dad, who is a cop. I want him to come shoot it or taze it!! But, he's off on a call or something and can't get here before he's done. WHAT IF IT EATS ME ALIVE BEFORE HE CAN GET TO ME?!?! It's, like, the size of an Anaconda!


OMG... What if we can't find it and it crawls on me during the night??? *faint*


J.R.- no no no no..... if you don't find it, you cannot sleep in that room

Me- There's a clutter of stuff in front of a door. He's IN THAT CLUTTER in front of that door!!! If only the door opened outward, instead of inward!

A.S.- Call animal control hon


J.R.- Yeah you might have to.... this is quite a pickle

Me-  LOL! Can I even call Animal Control over a Skink?? He's really not the size of an anaconda.

  OMG HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!! WHAT DO I DO?????

A.S.-  Yes K, you can.

 Call Animal Control they come out for just about anything.

 J.R.- Fire ball? NO, wait, never take my advice

Me-  Animal Control will laugh at me!!!
LMAO J!! I want to throw fire at it!!!

A.S.-  Sweetie, doesn't matter if they laugh or not, you can't take care of it yourself, you need some help!

Me- As soon as I stood up, IT RAN!!!!

 I tried calling my dad. He needs to send a cop over here or something. I'm thoroughly convinced nothing but firepower will stop this demonic being! And holy water!!!

 I'm trying the candy thing... I left it some Skittles!!

 I can't get a hold of my dad!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!! IT JUST MADE A NOISE!!!!!!

A.C.- Skink??

A.S. Skunk.Bats or blunt objects work pretty well too since you can keep your distance, you just have to remain calm it is probably more scared of you than you are of it.

 Me- Ohh nooo!! This thing has evil in it's eyes! EVIL, I TELL YOU!!!!I can't get this thing's guts everywhere!!!
I called my dad. I told him to send people with guns and tasers!!

After a couple of comments and a couple of hours:

Me- OMG... Ok, so I've been away from the computer for 2 hours. In the middle of this thread, I had my dad and my uncle come in and try to hunt this thing down for me. As soon as they walked through the front door, I ran by them like a bat out of hell, SCREAMING the whereabouts of this dang skink. Then, I immediately locked myself in the bathroom and stuffed towels under the door while 2 ARMED police officers ransacked my room.They found the skink. And then proceeded in a wild good chase around the bedroom. It KILLS ME that this thing outran two fully-grown cops!! Meanwhile, I'm in hysterics in the bathroom with my sister-in-law on the phone. Because I fully believed that, while she was an hour and a half away, her voice would somehow magically protect me. I was shaking and hyperventilating, and "A" was laughing like a maniac! I couldn't blame her... I was cracking myself up! Eventually, I came out of the bathroom only to hear that the whole room was torn apart, and they only THOUGHT the skink had run out the side door. "THINK" is NOT good enough for "K". I need VISUAL CONFIRMATION!!! But, sadly, I didn't get that confirmation. :( All I got was a detailed explanation for why they thought this thing had run outside. They had another call to go on, so I was left with the clean-up. My uncle managed to call out " You are SUCH a girl!!" over his shoulder before closing the door. AHH. I shook like a leaf the entire time I was cleaning up, and had a mini heart-attack every time anything touched me... Which was always clothes or something random. I'm such a dork!! So far, I haven't seen the little beady eyed spawn of Satan... But, without visual confirmation, I can only assume he's watching me from the depths of hell, waiting to spring on me at any moment. I'm sedating myself with a Tylenol PM tonight. I won't be able to sleep,

Me- (To A.S.) I just went over the above comments. Did you think I meant a SKUNK???


A.S.- Ya, what's a Skink?????


Me- OMG! NOOO!!! I wish it was a skunk!! Those are CUTE! A skink is a... Um... don't laugh... a LIZARD!!! A big, hissing, lizard!!!


A.S.- WITH FEET!!!!!!!!!! I just googled it, I would have probably freaked too! XD


Me- You thought I meant a SKUNK and gave me tips! So, basically, I LEFT SKITTLES OUT FOR A LIZARD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

M.K.- Ok. I am about to pee. It's a lizard. A skunk I would have been scared of. They are evil. And smelly. I love you funny girl.

M.P.- Oh man...K, honey, I'm so sorry, but I just laughed until I cried...there are still tears streaming down my face. I hope it's gone, honey. ♥


Me- You're not the only ones! The entire time I was screaming my head off, I was laughing like a maniac! I'm so hoarse right now, it's insane. I don't think I'm going to have a voice tomorrow. And, in the midst of it all, all I could think was, "This is too stupid NOT to write about! So, guess what tonight's blog will be??


Annnnnd, here we are!! It was an interesting night, to say the least. The very least.

Who am I? Who are YOU?

I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight until I get this out:


I'm not perfect in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I'm made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. I try to be a good person. But, sometimes I slip up. Hey, we all do. I don't always react to certain things the the way I should. Sometimes, I say things I don't mean. And sometimes, my big mouth just gets away from me, as I tend to say whatever is on my mind. Other times, I get a little restless because I feel like I have way too much spirit to be crammed inside one body, and that can get me into a bit of trouble, too. I don't mean any harm.

If I let you into my life, I do my best to let you know how much I enjoy your presence in it. I try to be there for people. I always try to give something back... Whether it be comfort, humor, an encouraging word, a heart-to-heart talk, or if you just need someone to listen to you without judging. I love to make people laugh. I love to let people know how much they mean to me. I'd give you the shirt off my back, if you needed it. I don't let just anyone in... So, when I tell you that I love you, I mean it. When I'm there for you, it's because I genuinely want to be. So, I don't understand why there are a few people who will just NEVER see me the way I want the world to see me. The way I am. Sometimes, I feel like I bend over backward for these people, and it never seems to matter. Because the second I breathe wrong, I'm "starting crap". Sometimes the things I do seem to be noticed in the moment... And then quickly forgotten until the next moment I'm needed. Other times, I feel like some of them come to me, but don't really listen at all. I'm left stuck sitting there dumbfounded and second-guessing myself. And it really sucks when it's people in your own family. Families are supposed to love one another. Families are supposed to be there for each other, and build the other members up. And sometimes, that just doesn't happen. It really hurts when the people you love the most don't seem to "see" you or understand you. After all, they're the very people who are supposed to. I'm not saying my whole family is like that. But I definitely have a small handful of people in my life (family and otherwise) who I feel are that way towards me. And, while none of us are supposed to judge others in the first place, the ones in this handful are the last ones who should be doing so.



I don't know why I allow myself to second-guess my actions so frequently. Maybe part of me is still lacking something in the confidence area? All I know is, whatever it is, I'm working on it. The whole point of this blog is to encourage and inspire others through my trials and errors, and to give people a new hope and a new outlook, along with establishing confidence. While that confidence was meant to be established in others, sometimes I need reminding myself. There are times when we are in the wrong. During those times, we'll need to crawl inside of ourselves and do some poking around and examining to see what we can and cannot fix. But, maybe we need to stop doing that when we feel in our hearts that we're in the right, or at the very least feel that we've done nothing wrong? Maybe we need to learn to have a little faith- In ourselves, as well as each other. Believe in yourself. Trust in your ability to make wise decisions. Stop pointing fingers and judging those around you, and instead turn those fingers back at yourself. Forget what everyone else is saying and doing. Ask yourself if YOU are doing the BEST that you can do as a human being. Or are you too busy caught up in your own selfish little existence that you can't manage to see the good things around you, and the good things some of the people who care for you are trying to do?


It gets so hard chasing after others and worrying about what's going on in their head... Especially when you're worried about their thoughts on you. When I do that, I usually end up feeling like I'm doing more damage than good. People will think what they want to think. In the end, it doesn't matter how good of a person you are. People will always find some fault in you. There are always going to be people out there who don't like you, or don't understand you. Often for no apparent reason. What really matters is how you see yourself. And the fact that, regardless of how others see or don't see you, regardless of how misunderstood and unappreciated you feel, we always have our loving God who sees straight into our hearts and souls to the very core of our being. He knows us inside and out. He will never misunderstand, misuse, or second-guess us. He knows our innermost thoughts, secrets, and dreams. All of our hopes and desires. He knows exactly the people we really are. That's really all that matters. All truths will eventually be brought to light.


One day, I'm going to soar. I'm going to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Even if no one else in the world thinks I can do it, God knows I can!

                                                                                                                                                 
                                               
                                                   
                                                    
                                         
                                         

Whatever, Know-It-All ;)

"Mr. Know It All 

Well, you think you know it all. 

But, you don't know a thing at all. 

Ain't it somethin', y'all??"

Coincidentally, I hate that song. However, it's been stuck in my head on repeat for the past few days... Ever since I had a little battle with one of the 4 biggest Know-It-All's in my life. Yes, I've counted them! What I don't understand is how someone can pipe up about any and every subject that is mentioned around them, know they are over-exaggerating their actually very limited knowledge, see the dirty looks/rolling eyes, hear the comments, and still not take a stinkin' hint!

You say "insightful". We say "obnoxious". Either way, Know-It-All's aren't cute. Having a comment about everything doesn't make you more interesting. It makes you more annoying. Same with broadcasting all of your knowledge. Even if you are smart, you don't have to throw it in people's faces. It's going to end up costing you more friends than it will end up gaining you more friends. Where is the joy in knowing everything? Half of the fun of life is being surprised! As much as I love (most) of the K-I-A's in my life, I'll admit that they're hanging by threads. However, there is one that I do wish I could get rid of, like, yesterday... But, I'm going to be stuck with him for the next 15 years, at least. Oops, did I just type that out loud? ;)

The cause of K-I-A's can probably be summed up to two reasons: 

1. The person is insecure and feels that having an answer or a comment for everything will make them feel noticed, smart, and maybe even admired.
2. The person just likes hearing the sound of their own voice and chooses to annoy the rest of us with that voice and their big, loud opinions. Most likely also used as a ploy to feel better about themselves.

(Guess which option my #1 K-I-A falls under... *snort*)

If you're the first option: Go read the rest of my blog and build up your confidence!! Do anything you can to get your confidence up and soaring, because that's what I think your real issue is. I mean, I'm not a doctor. But, let's face it: I so should've been! lol... I'm kidding. Besides, I already have a busy workload what with being a mommy and a superhero and all ::dusts off cape:: You really do need to know your self-worth. You need to stop trying to impress others. And not only because you're going a little overboard. You have unique gifts, just like everyone else. (Wow... That sounds so oxy-moronic. "Always remember that you're unique... Just like everyone else!") But, it's true! You could be causing others to miss out on your God-Given gifts and talents because you're chasing them all off with your know-it-all attitude! You have so much more to offer. There is so much more to life.

If you're the second option: GET OVER YOURSELF!

Ok, honestly, while my response to Option 2 was serious, it was also meant to be funny. There are a lot of things I can say about Option 2, because I was married to Option 2. I don't even know how to go into all of that tonight. But, let me try. Basically, you don't know everything. There will always be people out there who are smarter, nicer, funnier, and better at certain things than you are. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be. This goes back to me saying that you need to embrace your own gifts and talents and stop trying to overcompensate. Trust me: We're getting TIRED of hearing the endless amounts of stuff you think you know! You're making yourself look like a big doofus! You're not the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now, that's not me trying to put anyone down. That's me trying to put people in their places. It's ok to feel good about yourself. That's what I'm trying to promote here. It's not ok when you are continuously trying to shove people into your shadow. Maybe it branches from jealousy? Which is a trait I've never understood. I've said similar things before: Being jealous of someone only robs you of the person you are. None of us are meant to live in shadows. Plants grow better in the light... Why should we be any different?

"Know-It-All" is a very unattractive title to have, no matter your reasons. Listen to what others have to say. We're all created to work together. Who knows what ideas and inspirations you're missing out on because you and your opinions are so loud, you can't hear anyone else. And the thing is that this is a technique people use to IMPRESS others! There are much better ways to get people to like you! Listen. Be encouraging. Be thoughtful. Strive to make people laugh or smile. CONFIDENCE is attractive. CONFIDENCE is sexy. That's one way to win people over. Know who you are. Know where you stand. Know what you want. But, don't push others down to get it! It's not cool to "showboat". It's perfectly ok to not know everything :)

Besides, pretending to know it all only serves to annoy those of us who do. ;)

(^Yep, that's me kidding again!)

STAY BEAUTIFUL!!



“Those who think they know it all have no way of finding out they don't..”
― Leo Buscaglia

You Matter!

 I usually try to keep things pretty lighthearted and funny, while also tossing in the inspiration. But tonight, I need to be serious.

A friend of mine has a daughter who attempted suicide earlier today, and is currently in the hospital. Thank God, she's going to be physically fine and should get to go home tonight. But, you can't judge a book by its cover. Just because she may look good on the outside doesn't mean that she's ok on the inside. That's the case with all of us. Our outer appearances often don't reflect our inner feelings. This whole situation brought up a lot of memories. I know so many people who have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. I know a few more who have attempted it, and one more who succeeded. It's a very serious subject that many don't take seriously- which is probably because of the people who simply just crave attention, or use it for manipulation purposes. I'm not proud to admit this, but I have struggled with depression myself, and have even attempted to end it all. That was years and years ago, and I now realize that there are other, better ways to handle those feelings. Plus, I pride myself on honesty. I feel like, in order to preach about this subject, I have to make it known that I know where people are coming from and am not speaking passionately on a subject I know nothing about.

There are so many other ways to handle this. Life is a precious gift. You only get one... You need to make it count. Suicide only robs you of everything you could have been, and leaves everyone around you hurt, sad, and confused. Believe it or not, there ARE people who would be very sad to see you go! Besides, its' not like you can just kill yourself on a bad day, then the next day say "Ok, I was just kidding... I take it back now!" I've said this in other entries, but you have to FIGHT for what you want. You should fight for yourself and for your own life. You're worth it! Even if you don't feel like you are. I read before that almost everyone who attempts suicide and fails is extremely grateful for their failed attempts and their second shot at life... Which only makes it even sadder for those who do succeed. My dad has been a police officer for almost 24 years. He always tells me stories about many of the various calls he responds to. I can't tell you how many times he's told me of suicide calls that he's had to go on. And how many times he's described the family and people around. Not only do people who consider and attempt suicide not take into consideration who will be hurt by their actions, they don't take into consideration what their actions will do to the person/people who find them. Suicide isn't pretty. The most recent story that he told me was one of a man who decided he couldn't handle life anymore, and shot himself in the head. There's not really any way to do that in a tidy manner. It was a horrible mess, and his daughter and grandchildren found him. What do you think that did to their minds? Think they have trouble sleeping? Knowing you've lost someone is one kind of pain, seeing it for yourself is entirely different.

Everyone matters. Even you. Especially you. You have no idea what kind of person you can be, or the things you can accomplish in life, if you only believe in yourself and all that you are. You have to know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle. I've also said before that when one chapter ends in your life, it doesn't mean the book is over. You just simply turn the page. Suicide is like being in the middle of a beautiful novel and ripping out the last half of the book. You and no one else around you will ever discover how that novel ends. You have the power to turn everything around. Sometimes bad things happen. We go through disappointments and other things in life that make us feel as though our hearts have been ripped out. None of us are exempt. That's just the way life is. We all have lessons that we need to learn. Anything that happens to you now, you will use later on. It's not about what happens to you in life, it's how you go on that defines you. You have to go through bad times in order to appreciate the good times. Kahlil Gibran said "Your joy can fill you only as deeply as your sorrow has carved you. If you've never tasted bitterness, sweet is just another pleasant flavor on your tongue" I know I've posted that before, but it's one of my favorite quotes, and it's so true!

If you aren't currently struggling with these thoughts, and never have, know what a blessing that is! You may feel this way one day, or you may know someone who has. Reach out. Let everyone around you know how important they are. Be kind to everyone you meet. Everyone is facing battles that the rest of us have no idea about.

Please send up some prayers for my friend and everything her family is going through. Thank God there wasn't a different outcome!

Be strong now, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever!

YOU ARE LOVED!
STAY BEAUTIFUL!

Love & Other Stuff

I have news! I got just the right amount of motivation, tackled the previously-thought-intimidating divorce papers, and finished them! Yaaay! *Happy Dance* I saw the size of the stack, and immediately allowed myself to become daunted. All I could think of was how this stack was a lot bigger than the last ones, and that I was too exhausted and discouraged to fill them out for the 3rd time. Why bother? I mean, they were just going to get messed up/"lost" again, right? It was THAT thinking that could've gotten me in trouble. When I started filling out this current stack, I discovered it was so much larger because papers in the previous stacks had been left out. Papers discussing matters such as custody. Umm... Those matter. Like, A LOT! What if the previous stack hadn't been "lost"? Would I be sitting here childless right now because someone got the best of me? Who knows? The possibilities are endless.

I'm waiting on a phone call to have a couple of questions answered. But, when that's done, I can send them off! It's been two years of worrying about these papers. Two years of redoing them. Two years that my life has been on hold. I can't tell you how nice it's going to be to finally be free! I've been stuck in limbo for far too long. It's affected everything around me, even preventing me from getting a job or a place of my own. I've been terrified, had hopes dashed and dreams smashed. I had my heart shatter. I cried out all of my tears, and then some. My whole world caught fire and burned down to what I thought was nothing. Then, one day, I woke up. Like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes. I received a book by a really amazing Christian author ("Mom Needs Chocolate" by Debra Coty). It opened a door in my soul. I caught a glimmer of hope and I ran with it. I discovered that my world hadn't burned down at all. It was a new beginning. I stepped through a doorway and into another room in my life. Everything happens for a reason. I fully believe that anything bad you experience in life, God will turn into something good. But, you have to trust in HIM. Was going through what I went through any fun? No, not one bit! But, who knows where it's going to lead? Maybe I'll help one person with my story and how I overcame certain obstacles? Maybe I'll help thousands? I had dreams and visions for a life that now doesn't exist. But, I ultimately learned that God's plans will always be better than my dreams. Whatever God wants for me will ALWAYS be INFINITELY better than anything I could come up with on my own. If heartache is what I have to go through to get to this place in life of total Godly awesomeness, BRING IT! I've made it through this. I know now that I can make it through just about anything.

Once I "woke up", it wasn't all "rainbows & butterflies" from there. Believe me. When you want something bad enough, you've got to fight for it. And fight, I did. I still have to. There are times when I feel like a thousand demons are whispering in my ears and breathing fire down my back. Planting seeds of doom and doubt. I mentioned in one of my first entries about all of the prayers, Bible/ devotional/ & book reading I did. You can't possibly imagine. I had endless amounts of notebooks. Every morning, I would grab a spot on the couch and read and take notes all day. I read and soaked up anything and everything I could get my hands on. There were times I got discouraged, I won't lie. Times when I thought about giving up because things weren't happening as fast as I thought they should. Certain prayers weren't answered. But, when we pray, we don't take into consideration just how many things have to fall into place before God can give us what we ask for. For a little while there, I was so focused on the prayers that hadn't been answered. But, I realized that I still have time (Lord willing!) for those prayers to be answered. I looked back and discovered how far I'd actually come. Only someone who has been through a similar situation can truly fathom what I'm talking about. To this day, I can't think too deeply about what happened... I'm afraid that if I do, I'll never stop crying, and be right back to where I started from. I refuse to allow that to happen. And I refuse to allow that person to have that kind of power over me ever again.

Everywhere I look, I see people I love in relationships that aren't good for them. It really makes me sad, because I know that they deserve so much more. They keep going back to these toxic people- Kryptonite- because they're afraid to be alone. I can relate, because I was there once. I did that, too. I wanted to go back to a really horrible situation because I was scared. I was afraid of the unknown. I lacked the confidence in myself to know that I could get through that, as well as any other obstacles that come my way. I didn't think I could live without that person in my life. I refused to let go of what I thought we had. I refused to let go of my family. I held on tightly, but I was the only one. To have a successful relationship, you both have to make an effort. You both have to want it. One person can't control another. One person can't keep a relationship alive. It's a PARTNERSHIP.  And, contrary to popular belief, relationships aren't 50/50. They're 100/100. You both have to give it all you've got. Sometimes, irreparable damages are done. Don't stay in a situation that's only going to hurt you. Don't allow yourself to go through the same situations over and over and over. Break the vicious cycle. Discover who you really are and what you really want out of life, and go after it with everything you have. If you choose to stay in a harmful situation, it won't get any easier, I can promise you. Don't be afraid to break away and strike out on your own. If I can do it, anyone can do it. Believe in yourself and trust that God knows what He is doing. He knows exactly where you are in life. With everything, there is a lesson to be learned.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

^ THAT is the definition of "love". If it doesn't fit into that category, it's not love. Even if you don't believe in God, you should know that anything mean, spiteful, or hurtful in any way isn't the key to yours or anyone's heart.

Don't settle for less than you deserve... And you deserve the best. Pull your head out of the sand and KNOW YOUR WORTH. No one is worth your tears, if you're not worth their heart. And when you find one who is worth your tears, they won't make you cry.

Food for thought:

--God's love still stands when all else has fallen

--Don't tell God how big your storm is. Tell the storm how big your God is!

--Don't fall for someone, unless they're willing to catch you

--"The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears" ~Native American Proverb

--Boys will break your heart. Men will give theirs to save yours.

--Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever!

--Before you can see the rainbow, you have to get through the rain!

--Be with someone who knows what they have, when they have you

--Confidence is what makes a girl sexy

--Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

--With God, all things are possible

--You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have

--Sometimes you have to forget how you feel, and remember what you deserve

 --Letting go doesn't mean giving up... But rather accepting that there are things that can not be

--No smile is more beautiful than one that has struggled through the tears

--Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken... But, you'll always see the crack in its reflection.

--Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle.

--A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find her♥

--You have 3 choices in life: You can give up, give in, or give it your all!

Annnndddd:

--* When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better*

Stay beautiful!!


And, if what I said isn't enough, and you still think you have it rough, remember the next person always has it worse. Just look at what this amazing woman has gone through. And she's still doing work for God. She's still strong, loving, and faithful, when so many others would have given up. She's going through a truly heartbreaking situation. Her baby boy had Junctional Epidermolysis Bullosa, which is a skin disease that caused his little body to become ridden with blisters anytime anything would so much as rub his skin. Sadly, Tripp joined Jesus in Heaven exactly one month ago today. But his story will live on. He and his mommy are both amazing and inspirational!

http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/