Monday, April 30, 2012

Life Is Tough. But, I'm tougher.

FINALLY... I'm back at my computer! I've missed it so much! I can barely see what I'm typing through all of the glossy kissy-prints all over the screen ;)

I'll admit, it was kinda hard finding the motivation to type tonight because I'm so exhausted. But, I'm going to be super busy for the rest of the week... So, if I don't do it now, when will I? Plus, several of you have been messaging me and demanding more entries. And, ya know, I'd do anything for y'all <3

A lot of you know that I had to leave the state to go and take my son to see his dad. As awful as most of that was, it turned out to be a great source of blog entry inspiration. We were gone for 3 weeks. A lot of that time, I just wasn't sure how I was going to make it. It's just so hard to spend any amount time around someone who is an emotional vampire. Especially when you were once in love with said vampire. Oy, it takes a toll.

Practically the entire time I've known X, I've felt like a yo-yo, always being reeled back and forth between his split personalities. I didn't know from one day to the next which version of him I was going to get that day. I would wake up in the morning and think "Am I going to have to walk on eggshells today, or am I allowed to be happy?". There's a red flag right there. Love isn't supposed to be that way.

There were many times when we would laugh until we cried. We had inside jokes. We'd talk for hours. Sometimes, we wouldn't say anything at all, we'd just stretch out and read together. We'd confide (what I thought was) everything to each other. There were sweet and loving words, many happy memories and times, and promises made. And then there were the fights, the lies, the manipulations, etc. I didn't know which end was up because I was constantly being dragged through one extreme to the next. As bad as things could get sometimes, I would still be excited when he came home. I was like a little puppy waiting at the door for him. A lot of the time, that puppy just got kicked when the master walked in.

Sometimes, it was impossible to make him even the tiniest bit happy. The house wasn't clean enough, he thought I spent too much time on the computer that day, I was white on a Tuesday, my hair was up, I ate pork. Blah, blah, blah...Whatever. Eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. I knew it wasn't healthy for me or my son. I decided I had to go. Then, he came to me, like he did countless times during the relationship, crying, apologizing, begging for more chances, and giving very convincing speeches on love and how much he wanted our family to be together. I could sit here for days and not be able to convey his skillful way of manipulative speaking. He's a charmer. The guy could sell ice cubes to Eskimos. I loved him. I really was hoping that the "Nice" version that I fell for would come out for good, instead of dropping by to play once in a while. Each time I got the Nice version, it made me hold on to hope a little longer that things would be ok. I really wanted to make it work, so I tried even harder. I did everything I could think to do. I suggested church, counseling, books... anything I could think to suggest, I suggested. He was never interested in any of it. I tried keeping the house cleaner (which was very difficult, considering he thought "wife" was synonymous with "maid", so I was always cleaning up after him and the baby). I kept my mouth shut when he started being grumpy and mean. And that was REALLY hard for me. As you can see, I'm a strong advocate for standing up for yourself. (Plus, I've never been very good at keeping my big mouth shut- Ask my parents why I was constantly grounded in my younger days, they'll tell you it was my back-talking that did me in every time.) I built him up and complimented him more. I tried not to be a nag. I did all of these silly little things to show him how much I loved him- Love notes, you name it...

...I also moved over 2,000 miles from everyone and every thing I ever knew so I could work on "us". He got out of the Army around the time of the speech I mentioned above. I agreed that I really wanted to make things work, and off I went. We moved in with his mother, who I never really felt accepted me. I felt that both she and my ex had all of these ideas on the type of person I should be. I didn't come from money, so I must be a classless, whitetrash skankbag. I could go on for days. Anyway, if you knew me, you'd know this is not the case. I don't dress the way his mother thought I should. I have a few tattoos and some piercings, and am a well-endowed blonde. I think she focused on those facts, and ignored that I've never had so much as a speeding ticket. I'm always there for everyone, even if they don't necessarily deserve it. I was a great wife, and I'm a great mom. I don't go out and party. I don't sleep around. I'm loyal and faithful and honest. And, I think I've proven that I would do just about anything to make my marriage work. That's not to say that I'm flawless and claiming perfection... That's not the case at all. But, I have morals, I have limits, and don't deliberately hurt people.

And, here I go RAMBLING! Ahhh, This is not what I wanted to do! There's just so much to say to explain the situation. So many gaps I want to fill in. Whatever... The point is this: I busted my butt to keep our family together. And, contrary to popular belief, relationships are NOT 50/50. They're 100/100. Because if you're BOTH not giving it your ALL, then good luck staying together. I know things can get hard sometimes. But, we need to stop taking each other for granted! After all of my hard work at the marriage, and AFTER I moved far, far away from my family, my "safety net", he chose to betray me even further. Instead of working on us, as he promised, he repaid me with the aforementioned issues, and then there was the backstabbing, the infidelity, and other really horrible things. Truly horrific stories that are too painful to even think about. I felt like my heart had shattered and every time I took a breath, the fragments would tear my heart up even more. I ran home to Mama and Daddy.

Anyway, this trip had some fun moments. They all do. Moments that make me cry and wonder why he couldn't have just been happy with the family he'd been blessed with... Why he didn't think we were good enough for him. But, then there are those inevitable fights where really hurtful and cruel remarks get said. He always tries to get me back, and I'm usually always greeted by a dirty text or picture from one of his flavors of the week. The lies, the stories, the manipulations... It's always the same old song and dance. He likes to play house and pretend we are a family again. He tries to do all of the things that families do. And, because the visits are always for a lengthy amount of time, my son and I get used to being around him again, even if neither of us fall for his lines. My son is only 4, but I know he realizes things don't always add up. When the visit ends, it's like my heart breaks all over again. The same goes for my son. I'm not quite sure how to fix that part yet. But, I'm Superwoman. I know I'll eventually get it figured out. Superheros aren't prefect, either.

Something else that really bothered me this trip was a conversation I had with X's mom the night before I left to head home (6 days ago). During this conversation, she told me that she didn't think I tried hard enough to work things out. I honestly don't know how I could have tried any harder, but that didn't stop it from cutting through me like a knife. To say something like that belittles every ounce of hard work I put in to everything, every ounce of pain I went through, and every tear I cried. It also basically says that my ex can do whatever he pleases, and I should just lay there and take it. She followed it up with "Sometimes, you can be a real asshole". I would really like to know HOW?! What do I do?? She basically said that he wasn't perfect, but I sure ain't, either. Well, I know that. But, I would also never do a tenth of the things to my worst enemy that he did to me, his own wife.

After these visits, my son and I always get left feeling lost and confused. We have trouble sleeping, while he sleeps just fine. We're cranky. Everything makes us tear up. He has tantrums (Ok, fine... Sometimes, I throw tantrums, too!) Because neither of us understand why things have to be this way. I don't understand why he couldn't be happy having me as his wife, and why he chose "those kinds of girls" over me. But, eventually, the memories and thoughts wear off and I go right back to being so thankful that I'm not there anymore. If he's not smart enough to know a good thing when he has it, he's too dumb to be in my life. Thankfully, those times are not a part of my everyday life anymore. I'm so grateful for that! I hate feeling like this. But, when I look back, I realize that I've come such a long way from where I was! I learned very valuable lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way. It really sucks sometimes. But, I wouldn't take any of it back. I honestly believe that whatever trials you face now prepare you for whatever lies ahead- Should you choose to actually learn the lesson, rather than standing around crying about it (which is exactly what I want to do sometimes!). It's not all sunshine and rainbows. Believe me, sometimes I have bad days. I get tired of bouncing back and forth between my parents' houses. I hate not being able to provide for my little monster the way I feel I should. The poor thing doesn't even know where his "home" is... He was talking about that with me today, and it broke my heart. I want to give us a home. I want to build us a happy life with no room for sadness. I'm just so stuck right now. The really bad days are fewer and farther between. I just hope and pray that we can get out of this tunnel fast. I know it won't always be like this. All of our troubles are only temporary. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it :)

I've also discovered that life is tough... But, I'm tougher. I may fall down 7 times, but I WILL stand up 8. I haven't gotten it all figured out just yet. But, I'm still learning- And so are you! Sunshine always follows the rain, happiness always follows the pain. Don't look back, because you might trip over what's in front of you. It won't always be easy. But, when you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark <3